Today's funny

[Mazin]

[Ronin13]

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f..k off.

So there I was reading your post actually thinking it was just a true story with no real funny ending...

That was until I was forced to use about 5 paper towels to get the Dr. Pepper off of my desk and monitor at work.

[TSOTSI]

* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, It s my husband! Quick, try the back door!
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don t get offers like that every day.
___________

[Bailey Guns]

You're battin' for the cycle, TSOTSI!

[Mtn.man]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman
...
dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,

"Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,

"Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am,"

and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,

"Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes,"

and a tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,

"Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied,

"The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,

a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna

get fucked out of my peaches...

[Ronin13]

My nephew went into class today for show and tell. It was his turn and he walked up to the blackboard and drew a dot. The teacher asked "Is that a spot?" "No," said little Johnny, "it's a period."
"What's so special about a period?" The teacher asked.
"You tell me... my sister missed hers, my mom hasn't stopped crying, my dad started loading up his guns, and the boy next door joined the Navy."

[mcantar18c]

An illegal immigrant, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks....







"What can I get you Mr. President?"

[TSOTSI]

My wife just came in and said, I don t know if I am coming or going.
I said to her, Judging by the look on your face, you re going
cus when you re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!

[TSOTSI]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

[TSOTSI]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.