Today's funny

[GilpinGuy]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

> After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive..
>
> "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to
> 10."
>
> The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
>
> "Trust me," said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
>
> He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>
> '1'
>
> '2'
>
> '3'
>
> '4'
>
> '5'
>
> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Oklahoma, Arkansas , Mississippi , and parts of Georgia , Missouri , and West Virginia and..........Texas....and
>
>
>
> ALL of Washington DC .

[Teufelhund]

> ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE
>
>> From JOHN CLEESE
>
> The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in
> Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
> "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
> "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
> Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
> Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
> Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
> warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
>
> The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
> get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
> reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
> the last 300 years.
>
> The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
> terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
> France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by
> a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
> paralyzing the country's military capability.
>
> Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
> to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
> "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
>
> The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
> Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
> have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
>
> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
> threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
>
> The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
> deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
> Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
>
> Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
> to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
> "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
> "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
> of the last final escalation level.
>
> Regards,
>
> John Cleese,
>
> British writer, actor and tall person
>
> And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are
> getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
>

[JoeT]

Guy in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks,



"Have you got a pen?"





She looks up, smiles and says;





"Yes I do"





"Well" he says;


"You'd better hurry back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".

[Ronin13]

Guy in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks,



"Have you got a pen?"





She looks up, smiles and says;





"Yes I do"





"Well" he says;


"You'd better hurry back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".

Mean, but oh so funny! That's terrible!

[JoeT]

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Colorado

[Cman]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house withthat expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[jerrymrc]

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

[DYoung]

^^^^
I don't care who ya are, that's funny!

[whiskeyjack]

It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans, and has a job.

It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

It's important to have a woman you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

It's important to have a woman who's good in bed, and who likes to be with you.

And, it is perhaps the most important that these four women do not know each other.

[whiskeyjack]

A train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.