Presidential Fitness Test Now Awarded To Any Kid Who Can Eat Without Sweating

[Lex_Luthor]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pre...y-kid-w,26857/

WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today's children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President's Council on Fitness, Sports, and Nutrition announced Tuesday the new standard for winning its award would be the ability to eat a meal without breaking a sweat. "In our revised physical fitness test, a meal is placed in front of a child, and the longer he or she is able to eat without wheezing or needing to lie down, the higher the score," said executive director Shellie Pfohl, adding that children who complete the meal in the fastest amount time without shifting around in their seat to make their pants fit more comfortably will be eligible for the top medal. "We want our kids to set more pragmatic, real-world goals for themselves, and being able to run back and forth across a basketball court one time is no longer realistic." At press time, elementary school student Henry Walters was on his fourth helping of mashed potatoes as his obese classmates cheered for him to keep going.

[Chad4000]

I never know why it takes me so long to see that it's the onion lol...

[Waywardson174]

I remember having so many participation patches. Sucked to be a fat kid.

[BPTactical]

The Onion makes me LOL. A refreshing break from the everyday droll we see and hear.

[T-Giv]

Mother of God.

[mcantar18c]

If you'd said that this came from CNN, I would probably believe you. This country is pathetic when it comes to physical fitness/activity.

[blacklabel]

I love the Onion. Their articles are always just on the edge of reality.

[airborneranger]

Nice

[lifeon2]

Participation patches? Crap I'm older than I thought.

[lpgasman]

That is awesome, I was gonna say, now they do something I can do.
This is my favorite onion news video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExkUO...e_gdata_player