BBC NEWS

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut
by 25% this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent
years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of
virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was
unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General
Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for
much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief
executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there
is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight
choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that
they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland ,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would
not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas
anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of
suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish
singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin
looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.