Advice from stepdads...

[Dingo]

Serious replies only please - this is something I'm honestly concerned about...

Brief synopsis: After 8 years of wild partying, gleefully whoring around (my life could've been the best letter to Penthouse ever, if anybody would believe it... lol) , and general irresponsible behavior, I came across what I believe to be is as close to a perfect woman for me as ever walked the earth. So I did the only sensible thing, and married her. Been together for two years. Only thing is, she came with three kids - and I can't stand kids in general. (I was up front about this from the beginning...) There's a 14 y/o girl, an 11 y/o boy, and a 7 y/o boy. We've all kind of slowly fell into a fairly congenial relationship, minor squabbles aside. And the kids honestly are pretty good kids - no monsters in the bunch.

I've always been a carefree, live life to the hilt, experience junkie. So adjusting to suburban predictability, stepfatherhood, and being the sole breadwinner (wife's going thru school, and attempting her utmost best to work at the same time, but not bringing in any money to speak of.) is kind of a shock to my system. I find that I'm turning into a functional alcoholic, and while I don't have an addictive personality, I am finding it difficult to interact with any of the kids nicely without being loaded. I had kind of a sobering shock the other night when I realized that I'd been crabby and snappish all evening after picking up the kids, and the 14 y/o said "You need a drink, don't you? Want me to make you your usual?" It was a cute attempt at trying to get me in a better mood, but I felt like a real shitheel. I'm afraid of turning into the stereotypical stepdad who's a cranky drunk, resentful of raising somebody else's kids. I DO NOT want that. I want to be somebody they can look back on in later years, and say that I did right by them - and maybe helped instill some strong character traits.

Anybody else out there in a similar situation? I need some advice on how to move from the point where I'm just irritated by all the added responsibility, and into something where I can derive enjoyment from being a family man. I don't believe in divorce, btw - I'm in this for life, so I need to figure out the best way to change my own attitude about it, since the situation isn't going to change. I pray about it frequently, but I need some practical advice from somebody who's been there.

Thanks!

[Colorado_Outback]

When life got too tough for me to handle with out substances, I went to see a professional therapist. Its not cheep but it really helped me put things in perspective.
Its really weird how that person can ask you a question or throw a hypothetical at you and your whole view changes.
YMMV but it worked for me.

[JM Ver. 2.0]

Simple answer? Quit drinking.

Long Answer: No one can answer any of this but you. You need to get professional help for your drinking problem before you even attempt to tackle the stepfather issues.

Solving one without solving the other will only cause you more trouble. You need to get the drinking issue cleared up BEFORE you deal with the kid issue. Without doing it that way, any progress you make will just be overshadowed by the alcohol.

Good luck.

[StagLefty]

I won't tell you what to do because alcoholics rebel at that. I was a functional alcoholic for most of my life until my son was born. I went cold turkey on booze and cigarettes and never looked back. I didn't want my kid to have to deal with a drunken dad,plain and simple. You need to do a little soul searching and do what's best for you and the family. Meanwhile because I've been there you'll get a mention in my prayers. GL

[Scogin]

I am not a stepdad, but I had several of them growing up. The one that lasted the longest also had the biggest impact on my life. He was a german emigrant that served multiple tours as a marine in Vietnam with two Purple Hearts. I can tell you the greatest thing he ever did for me was to teach me. He taught me about everything. Some of the lessons were hard because he wouldn't put up with any crap from a snot nosed kid, but now that I am older those are the ones that make me who I am today. He not only taught me about being a responsible respectful human being, he taught me why someone should be their best. He taught me to rebuild engines. Taught me how to shoot. Taught me how to treat a woman. Basically taught me what I needed to know. He taught me all this because it is what he liked and we were able to connect through the lessons.
Find the things you are passionate about and see if you can get them interested in the same things.
The kids know you are not their dad, but if you help them be successful in life they will never forget it.

[Spdu4ia]

I'm a stepdad who hates kids so I feel you. Although I only have one (13 yr girl) I know you know how that is x3. Ill be honest... I hated kids and I still hate kids. There are days I even hate her and can't stand or want to talk to her. But the one thing I have to remember is that I chose this... She did not so I cannot take it out on her. It hasn't gotten any easier for me in the past 6 years I've been in her life but I try to constantly remember this. I put a lot into hobbies and make sure I have alone time as well as time with her without my wife to try and develop a sort of relationship with her. I personally don't drink so I am not helpful on that part I'm sorry. If you need to vent or something just pm me.

have you though about this? http://www.ar-15.co/threads/73927-St...d-guns-thread) try to find something you can do with each one individually.

[loveski]

When life got too tough for me to handle with out substances, I went to see a professional therapist. Its not cheep but it really helped me put things in perspective.
Its really weird how that person can ask you a question or throw a hypothetical at you and your whole view changes.
YMMV but it worked for me.

This.. I commend both of you for recognizing the problem. There is no shame in fixing something that needs to be fixed. A happy family is worth any price.

[jhood001]

From the wording and general tone of your post, it really sounds like those kids are cramping your style. Unfortunately, you didn't marry a woman. You married a family.

My parents split up when I was a year old. Both were remarried within 6 years. And while I don't look, behave, or think anything like my step-father, he always treated us us boys like we were 100% his own. Even at a young age, we picked up on that. It made things smoother when he was trying to help raise two boys who were nothing like him. And years later it made us grateful for having him in our lives.

You got to choose to have those kids when you married your wife. They didn't get to choose you. Try to remember that.

Best of luck to you.

[ray1970]

As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.

If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.

[Great-Kazoo]

As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.

If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.

+100%. If you are unable to function w/out alcohol, you are the last one to admit you have a problem. Enough of the lecture from me,the next step (the longest) is up to you.