Day 1 of a new chapter in my life

[mbl]

Every life is made up of chapters that define major accomplishments or events. Some are the result of decisions that have been made, some just happen. Some chapters hit you out of the blue, others you plan for and work toward. Others you see coming and dread their onset. Unfortunately my new chapter has been bearing down on me like an approaching storm for the last 16 months.

Yesterday morning I sat in a hospital room at PSL holding my wife's hand and watched her die. I knew that this day was coming for almost a year. She courageously fought cancer (osteosarcoma) since May of 2012. Last fall we were told that a cure was not realistic and the doctors estimated 1.5 to 2 years of life. We got almost another year. She accepted the diagnosis as a challenge and never gave up. Even on her worst days, when the pain was bad, she made every effort to be part of our boys' lives. She fought through the pain to fly to the east coast this summer for a family vacation. She fought through the pain to be there for our 5 year old's first day of Kindergarten. She made sure that every night she hugged our 3 year old twins.

She went into the hospital last Saturday, like she has numerous times over the last year. Usually for 3-7 days. Always, she showed improvement after being admitted. This time was different. I spoke with her frequently over the week via phone (I usually stayed home with the boys). While her spirits were up, I could tell she was not getting better, but getting worse. Friday morning I got the call that she was moved to the ICU and did not have long. I had a few more precious hours with her on Friday before she fell asleep.

She spent her last week planning a birthday party for our twins (from her bed in the hospital). She did an amazing job coordinating a massive bouncy house rental, invitations, arraigning for food and cake, everything, just to make the party a hit. The party was yesterday. It was probably the most important party she ever planned. She passed away while the party was in full swing.

Today is our twins birthday. 3 years ago today, I was starting another chapter in my life with a wonderful wife and 3 health boys. Today I am starting a new chapter with 3 awesome boys and a hole in all our hearts. There wont be any drastic changes. I have been taking care of the boys, the house, taking care of my wife, and working full time for the last year plus. I think that the part I struggle with the most is that I cannot send her pictures of the boys, or send a email telling her of something one of them did. These things gave her such joy to hear and I was so proud to share with her how our boys were growing up. It has been such a fast 3 years. She only really got to enjoy the twins for about a year and a half before the cancer and the treatments really impacted her. She made every effort, but the cancer and the chemo really messes you up.

Today I woke up as a single dad, with three awesome boys and a promise I made to my wife to take care of them. I hope I can live up to her expectations and make her proud. I have an incredible support network that has helped me cope since the diagnosis. That network is still here for me and my boys to help us through the toughest times.

We will never forget Carolyn, but I know that with time this incredible pain will ease and we will be left with only sweet memories.

Thanks for listening

[rondog]

Wow. God bless you, man.

[mountainjenny]

I couldn't find the right emoticon to express the sadness I felt reading your post. It made me cry.

So sorry for your loss. :(

[Gman]

Having lost my wife prematurely after her being bed-ridden at home for the last 18 months, I certainly understand where you're coming from. In my case kids weren't involved, so I didn't have that challenge. My faith and family kept me strong. I can certainly attest to the loss of a spouse being the end of a chapter, but the story goes on. Having found my lovely new wife, the story can even get happier. Take your time and heal and hug those kids a bunch.

Your wife was a wonderful and unselfish woman. Sorry for your loss.

Prayers go out to you, my friend.

[Danimal]

If you need anything, don't even hesitate to ask.

[Skully]

My condolences Sir, I mean this in all respect, your wife did a wonderful thing to be there for the kids, even in the last hour, and for you to be there as well. You are blessed to have had such a wonderful person in your life.



Healing takes time, when you want some company, or if you need anything give me a shout, not too far away.

I have an almost 6 and a 4 year boys, always have a play date.

[Gmans-Wife]

Words cannot express the sadness I feel for you and your boys right now. I'm sorry for your loss, based on your description your wife was a wonderful woman and mom. Please know you will be in our prayers.

Also let is know if we can do anything for you.

[Brian]

If you need anything, don't even hesitate to ask.
+1

I couldn't even find the words to respond, but please let us know if there's anything at all we can do to help.

[wctriumph]

Please accept our condolences on your loss and our prayers for you and your loved ones. May God bless you and yours all the days of your lives.

Wayne, Susan & Sheelagh
The House of Murphy

[Great-Kazoo]

Condolences. No words can express our family's feelings for you and your son's loss

[02ducky]

Sorry for your loss, like the others have said, if you need anything please let us know.

Your story has touched an emotion I can not express...

[StagLefty]

May God Bless and give you and your boys strength at this trying time. Please don't hesitate to ask for help.

[hurley842002]

I'd be lying if I said a tear wasn't shed while reading your post. I guess now that I have a family these things hit me a bit differently.

You and your family are in my thoughts, please don't hesitate to ask us if you need anything Erie is not far away.

[MarkCO]

Condolences on the passing of the bride of your youth.

Your strength is inspiring and your boys are fortunate to have you. Blessings on this new chapter of your lives.

[Big Wall]

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[kwando]

Again don't hesitate to ask for help. Being a proud dad of two new kids myself my eyes are filled with tears as I type. I can't imaging what you are going through. Prayers go out to you and your family.

Again some of us do things on the side that I'm sure we can donate, is there a fund setup? You are tough but asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

[hobowh]

Sorry to hear that. If you need anything let us know

[theGinsue]

My heart weeps for you my friend. To date, I have been very blessed to have a relatively healthy family. Blessedly, I can only imagine the pain you are going through. While I read your words, even though I fought it, I cried.

What I was struck with in your words was the strength you have just to be able to put your words into written form. Hold onto that strength because, more than before, you will need that strength for yourself and for your boys to get through this time of grief.

Always remember that you don't need to go through it alone. Outside of the support network you've established, WE are here for you too. You'll often see members saying "Let me know if you need anything" and wonder just how legitimate these words are. I know for a fact that every member means it wholeheartedly when they make this offer because we really are just one big family. I don't have much to offer, but I too will offer myself up should you need anything. I'm a good listener and I'm told I'm a good shoulder to cry on (with no judgement of a fellow brother).

Carolyn sounds like she was an amazing woman, wife and mother. Keep her memory alive for your boys. Celebrate her life but let go of her pain. She's at rest without any pain now. One day, you will be re-united.

I don't know about you, but I'm a man of Faith. While we don't always know or understand His plans for us, I believe that God is good; always. He will provide, and if I can be an instrument of His will for you brother, I would be honored to do so.

May God bless you and your family, now more than ever.

[UrbanWolf]

I don’t know what to say, I wish I had the right words to comfort you. God bless you and your boys.

[BPTactical]

Beyond words........

[Zach O]

Thoughts and prayers.

[Fentonite]

theGinsue said it better than I could. You have a lot of brothers who cried with you today. I would tell you to be strong, but clearly, you already are.

[Sharpienads]

I'm so sorry, brother. Again, if you need anything, there are plenty of guys here to help. Myself included.

[Jmetz]

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family all the best in this difficult time. Seems like you are very strong and stable and that will greatly help your kids. As previously stated you have support here as well, don't be afraid to use it.

[T-Giv]

I have nothing but admiration for you handling this like a true man. As others have stated any help I can offer I would be glad to.

[Lex_Luthor]

You are in our prayers. Stay strong for your boys, but don't be afraid to show them it's ok to be weak too sometimes. May the Lord keep your family in His care.

[Yo Dude]

I am so sorry for your loss.

A year and a half ago, I lost my wife of 15+ years (the mother of our son, now 16 years old) to leiomyosarcoma.

Any time you need a friend to listen, let me know.

Dave

[MAP]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Rabid]

So very sorry for your loss. My thoughts go out to you and your boys.

[spqrzilla]

Don't be shy about reaching out for grief counseling. It can be very important in circumstances like yours.

[glock21]

I dont have the words to express my feelings. All I can say is im sorry and the boys are lucky to have a mother and father like you. She sounds like an amazing woman, wife and mother. God bless all of you.

[opie011]

So sorry to hear of your loss.

You and yours will be in my families thoughts and prayers.

[Irving]

You have my deepest condolences.

[zteknik]

Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, That's why it's called the Present.
Always remember the past and build your strength from it.

I too had to deal with the same on the loss of my Father.
God bless and my deepest sorrow for your loss.

[BlasterBob]

mbl, you and the boys are in our prayers. With your very positive attitude, you guys will do just fine. Hug those little fellows as often as you can!!

[hghclsswhitetrsh]

Sorry for your loss. You and your family in our thoughts.

[Wulf202]

It's times like this I wish I was better with words.

My heartfelt condolences to you and yours.

[PugnacAutMortem]

Man...I just don't have the words to respond...

Praying for you and your boys. God heals all, and He is enough.

[blacklabel]

My condolences as well and prayers sent for you and yours.

[BPTactical]

You know, I have been thinking a bit.
As much as I may want to strangle my spouse at times, I cannot imagine my life without her. I have been a part of the same scenario with my BIL who lost his wife to Strep when she was 29.
He became a single dad to a 13 month old over night, she is 21 now and graduates with a degree in business in December.



A scene from "Forrest Gump" comes to mind.
Forrest and Jenny are adults and they go back to Jennys childhood home.
She starts throwing rocks at it, runs out of rocks and sits down and cries.




Sometimes there just arent enough rocks.......

Kinda how I feel for you MBL, there just arent enough rocks.

[ray1970]

I don't know what to say other than I am sorry for your loss. I doubt I could be sharing a story like that on the forum here if I were in your shoes right now. You are a stronger man than I am. God bless.

[Hound]

I have gone through my wife having cancer twice. She has made it so far (Fingers crossed). I truly feel for you. I do not know what I would do without my better half and this hits home as I am on travel and away from her now working. Words fail......

[Bailey Guns]

Like many have said, I don't have the words to help you through this. I'm sorry for your loss.

[twitchyfinger]

Thank you for sharing. Also struggling with what to say. My thoughts and prayers send out to you and yours.

[SamuraiCO]

The character and strength of the OP and those that have responded shows the true grit of men and women who make up this forum.

As stated words fail and we all wonder if we would respond with the same resolve when faced with such a loss.

God Bless.

[Gcompact30]

Sorry for you loss brother, prayers to you and your family.

[10mm-man]

Sorry for your loss brother!

[lex137]

I'm sorry, God bless.

[argonstrom]

I am so sorry. You are in our prayers.

[liberty19]

May God bless you and your family with strength and comfort during this trying time. I am encouraged by your loving words regarding your wife and children.

[henpecked]

Condolences and if you need anything please ask

[ChunkyMonkey]

Our deepest condolences. Hang in there.. I can only imagine what you are going through.

[DSB OUTDOORS]

I am Sooooooooo sorry for your loss!! That is the " C " word that I hate to hear. God Bless you and your family!!!!!!!!!!

[KS63]

That had to have been one of the saddest things I've read. My families heart goes out to you and your sons. Like others have said, don't hesitate to ask us for help with anything. God Bless.

[Mtn.man]

I have No words, sorry for your loss may you be strong for the little ones.

[patrick0685]

i am so sorry for your loss, i can not imagine how you feel. Thomas your words were way better than I could say. Stay strong mbl if you need anything we will be here!

[Dlesh123]

Really sorry to hear about your loss. I am sure you have a large hole in your heart, so I hope life will be kinder to you going forward to help heal it.
We lost our son in law suddenly at 39, leaving our daughter with three young children. It is hard to imagine a tougher scenario. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[DD977GM2]

I am truly sorry for your loss. If you need anything you can call or IM me on here.

Prayers for you and your boys and Prayers for your wife that she can watch over you 4.


Gabe 303-356-4854

[USMC88-93]

My condolences to you and your family.

[flogger]

I am amazed at the composure in your post, I can not imagine being 'there'. Things will be rough at times with you and the boys, a loss like this can tear a family apart. DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP, Grief counseling and just talking to people about it is a big step.

Keep the faith whichever way you can, your better half must have been a Dynamo. So so sorry for your loss, hug the boys for all of us.

[Tim K]

That's a stupidly hard hand you've been dealt. I wish I had just one word of encouragement that wasn't a cliche.

I will speak to the King of Kings on your behalf and ask Him to assuage your family's grief.

[waxthis]

I'm beyond words. I only hope that if I ever come across a situation like that I will be just as strong. Your one incredible man, your sons are very lucky to have you.

[mbl]

Everyone,

I am truly humbled by these responses. I wrote this post to put my message out there and in someway writing / telling my story helped me feel better. I can not begin to express how appreciative I am of all the offers to help with anything, both in this thread and in PM's I have received.

This is a great group of people here and all the kind word and encouragement means the world to me, even though I have met very few of you face to face.

Tomorrow I start the logistics of the aftermath, first and foremost funeral arraignments.

Thank you again to everyone who read and especially to those who posted a response, it was an incredible gesture and I appreciate the words of support.

[Rooskibar03]

Wow. I know that must have been hard to share. Prayers to you and the family.

For the rest of us, what a way to put our lives into perspective, hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight.

[OtterbatHellcat]

Love for a brother... peace to you and your sons.

I'm here too for ya if I can help you out with anything.

Carolyn sounds like she was an amazing woman, wife and mother. Keep her memory alive for your boys. Celebrate her life but let go of her pain. She's at rest without any pain now. One day, you will be re-united.

Well said, Ginsue...

My prayers for you and your boys, Sir.

[PSS]

Thank you for sharing your grief. I'm sorry for your loss and prayers have been sent. Having lost an 8 year old child I can relate somewhat to your loss. Just want to encourage you that there is love to sustain you even though the loss is so painful. Thankful that you have a strong network and the legacy of your wonderful wife in your boys. In a very real sense she is still with you through them. Stay strong brother.

[Mazin]

So sorry for your loss, God bless you and your family. If there is anything you or your boys need just pm me.

[King]

Praying for you and your family. Im right around the corner so let me know if you need anything

[killianak9]

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family! Please let us know if you need anything at all.

[LeftHandBlack]

Sorry for your loss. Glad you have help from friends and family. Hang in there.

[Sixgun]

You and I have been through the same thing. Words have no meaning to what we been through. 2 yrs ago I lost my wife to fucking cancer. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. The first few months are the hardest but it will get better.
My line is always open, plz feel free to call anytime.
Thoughts and prayers headed your way.

[DD977GM2]

MBL,

I have 3 boys...15,13 and almsot 7. If you need down time for yourself you can bring you Sons to me and I would be more then happy to entertain them for an afternoon etc.

The offer is there and take it if you are comfortable with it or if you really need it.

GM2

[JM Ver. 2.0]

I only made it half way through before I couldn't read through the watery eyes.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sent from my teepee using smoke signals.

[jslo]

As I sit here holding my fathers hand, I can feel your pain. I can only hope I can have the faith, courage and strenght you have.
God Bless.

[bellavite1]

...I find no words.

[ruthabagah]

Sorry for your loss. My thought and prayer are with you and your familly.

[Sawin]

Frog.... In... Throat...
Peace be with you my friend. What a tremendous loss and heart-felt story, just remember you are not alone. I am glad to hear you have a support network around you, and of course those 3 boys will bring you joy, and more tears, and plenty of anger too. I'll pray for everyone touched by your wife, who are now struggling with her passing.

[OneGuy67]

So very sorry for the loss of your wife and the mother of your children. I can't fathom how you feel right now. You are in my prayers.

[rockhound]

There is nothing to say, but wow, i hope that you and your boys are successful in whatever your chosen path may be

I have four little ones myself, i could not imagine having to explain their loss to them

[buffalobo]

The strength and dedication to family that you and your wife have shown in this ordeal is amazing and inspirational.

My family sends condolences and sympathies to you and your boys.

Sent from my electronic ball and chain.

[vim]

I'm struggling for words and can't find them.

May God bless you. Your family is in my prayers.

[Jeffrey Lebowski]

Your strength is unbelievable and admirable.
I am so, so sorry for your loss and recent circumstances.
Thoughts and prayers from me. :(

[3beansalad]

Sir, I am deeply saddened by your loss and uplifted by your strength. As I age and see how fragile life is, I prepare for the loss of those I love. I also find that my faith is growing in these times as well. I read your story and think of how I would handle a similar situation when my bride passes, (be it in the near future or many years from now) and I thank you for the example you set for me. I pray I can show the courage and grace you have displayed for those of us on this forum. Many of us you may never meet, and yet you feel free to express yourself to so openly. I know the interwebs give us all a freedom to express ourselves in a way we may not be comfortable doing in person, and I am thankful we have this opportunity to learn from your experiences.

In times like these many question how God could allow this type of tragedy into someone's life, I learned this weekend with the instruction of a very wise man, that God is always there for us and He has a plan. He is watching our lives and loving us beyond our comprehension, and yet He allows things to touch our lives in ways that we cannot understand. God allows evil, violence and disease for reasons we cannot understand. The point of the lesson was that while we do not understand God, we must have the faith that He allows these things to mold us and teach us. These things hurt, deeply, but He is using them for our good and His glory. And through your story I see a little piece of that glory in my life. And vow to you, and Him, that I will not let today pass without making sure those I love know it. We all have our own worst day, but know He has a plan for what happens on that worst day.

God bless, and know like so many others, I am available to you if you need me.

Today, I am more proud to have found this forum than I ever thought possible.

Dave

[Singlestack]

So tough to read, but thanks for having the strength to post. No dry eyes here.

Many of us are local to you, and are ready to help with whatever is needed. Please do ask. Your wonderful wife and family are in our thoughts and prayers.

[mbl]

Again, thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. Because I believe that some have asked, the memorial service has been scheduled and a trust set up for our boys (I have been busy this morning). If anyone is interested in details on either, they can be found at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/carolynlofurno/journal The entry titled "Memorial Service Plans" has details.

Thank you. As someone said it an earlier post, I am proud to be a member of this site.

[whiskey]

Sir, you and your family are in my prayers.

[hatidua]

I can't fathom how hard going through this must be. Sincerest condolences.

[sako55]

I shared your post with my wife and both her and I did not have words to describe our thoughts but a hug with each other. Thank you for sharing a very hard chapter in your life with us all. As the cliché goes, it puts things into perspective. I lost my father when I was young but I was quite a bit older than your children (12). Don't be afraid to talk with your kids about her an the memories you all share as it will help them to remember her. Do what you can to honor her and remind your children of the person she was and the type of person she would expect them to be. It will help them through some very hard times later in life. I hope only the best for you and the kids in the future.

[palepainter]

I do not know what to say, other than you and your wife's strength are an inspiration. God bless you and your family during these utmost trying times. So sad to hear of your loss, your perspective made it hit home. I am just outside of Erie. If you need assistance with anything, PM me.

[Cman]

We are very sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

[DonnyCommo]

My God man. Prayers up to you and yours. Don't hesitate to ask if you need anything.

[newracer]

Like many others have already said, I don't know what to say other than I am very sorry for your loss. Just your ability to post that shows you are a strong man, loving husband, and a great father. Stay strong and don't hesitate to ask for help.

Michael

[rshives]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[mbl]

As anyone in the general Erie/Boulder area knows, yesterday the rain let up and we had a mostly sunny day. This was perfect for my wife's memorial service and the following party at our house, so the kids could be crazy outside.

The flooding did cause a few logistic problems the most significant being that the Chaplain I had selected to officiate the service was stuck in Wellington and had to cancel about 2 hours before the service. As a result, I had to be a lot more participatory in the service than I had expected. There were too many people who had flown in for the service to postpone it. All of the support and encouragement I received from this post helped to give me the strength to step up and be so involved in the service, instead of just sitting in a pew. In retrospect, this may have been a blessing, because I am very proud to have been able to speak at the service and tell everyone how great my wife was.

We had a great party back at the house (that ran a lot longer than I expected) and the rain held off until later in the evening, which was perfect. Lots of kids showed up from my boy's school and they could be outside. Overall it was an exhausting day, but I feel good about the tribute I made possible to my wife and feel like I got some closure.

Thanks again for everyone's kind words, thoughts and prayers.

[OtterbatHellcat]

Thanks again for everyone's kind words, thoughts and prayers.

Those are still there for you, man.

[anaphylaxis]

I missed this thread earlier... damn, I have no words. That was a tough read.

I'm very sorry for your loss and kudos to you for stepping up to the plate and doing what has to be done.

[Big Wall]

I'm glad you were able to find some closure. Like others, I shared your post with my wife. Our thoughts are with you and your family in these very difficult times.

[copfish]

Sorry to hear this. My condolences and prayers.

[TheGrey]

I hadn't spent much time on the forum in the past week or two, and didn't see this thread earlier.

I'm grasping for words to express my support for your profound loss. Your post was beautiful, sorrowful, and gave us a brief shining glimpse into what an amazing woman your wife was.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there's anything you need.

[Grant H.]

Just saw this.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your boys are very blessed to have you as their father.

It never ceases to amaze me the community that we are all part of. The out pouring of support and encouragement is nothing short of awesome.

Same goes, you don't know me personally, but if I can do anything to help, just ask.

[Chad4000]

Wow. ... I'm sry.

[StevenP]

My deepest condolences on your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[stenz]

Wow..... I hate reading things like this.

I cant find the right words or figure out what emotions I am having when I read this... I guess just pure sadness.

Life isn't fair. Keep your head up and be the best Dad you can be for your boys.

[scratchy]

You have my condolences and understanding. Even knowing it is coming, it's not any easier. I lost my sister to cancer on Aug 27.

[Squeeze]

If you need anything, don't even hesitate to ask.
^^^This. My sincere condolences brother and I wish the best for you and your wonderful children. My best friend in the whole world lost his wife last year to a very rare disease. He has since moved on and has found happiness again. You will to...in time. I am very sorry for your loss. God bless.

[strm_trpr]

My sincere condolences and prayer.