NEED TO UNLOAD

[sako55]

I have been a part of the forum for a while and very few folks here know me. Mostly just a lurker and post when I have something constructive to add to the conversation (for the most part). Certainly have gained a bunch of knowledge from this place. Now I am just posting so I can put my thoughts out there. I just need to put them out in front of a bunch of folks and maybe gain some perspective or advice. If no one responds to this that is fine. It is just nice to put it on the table. One thing I found, is that the forum has helped some folks akin to group therapy.

To give a bit of back ground. I lost my father when I was twelve. He passed in a traffic accident while in the line of duty. He fell from an overpass while trying to get out of the way of a spinning car on an icy over pass. This was something that I struggled with for many years afterwards failed to realized my father passed trying to ensure that other people stayed safe. Lived and died with a purpose. This backstory will be pertinent soon enough.

Fast forward a bit. I first visited Colorado 15 years ago on a month long elk hunting trip as a kind of college graduation present. A buddy of mine visited the state a week or so after I returned to PA. He said he was moving out and I said I am down. Since then, I moved through my career and have become successful by most standards. Got married, couple of kids and comfortable in life. Just as I reached a point of thinking life is pretty fucking good, I get a call at 6:00 am from my sister. I always new that at some point I would get "this call" but expected it many years down the road. Seeing how there is a 2 hour difference and my sister and I don't talk on a regular basis, I knew it was not good.

My 61 year mother had taken a fall down her basement steps. No big deal right? Not the case. She dislocated her neck and had laid at the bottom of the steps for almost 6 hours as she lived alone. That day multiple calls and messages and no answers. Her work place was called and she hadn't showed up. Huge red flag. To give you an idea of my mothers work ethic, she had acquired 96 sick days. So some friends were called that lived there and they check on her. She was found conscious at the bottom of the stairs and unable to move. Can't imagine the thoughts.

Skipping all of the details, the injury has left my mother a tetraplegic. Certainly a term I was not familiar with until recently. Kind of similar to a quadriplegic but fortunately a so called "better" situation. Here I am looking at a woman who has not asked for help from anyone since she was 15 years old after becoming pregnant, to a person needing help with everything. Nothing like a blast of reality feeding your mother her food as she could not do it herself.

This is where the previous background info comes in. Now twice in my life, gravity has kicked our assess. Now two people I have known, my father and mother, that have put everyone else in front of themselves have been kicked in the proverbial nuts. To give an example, the first thing out of my mother's mouth at the hospital was that there was money in her purse for us kids to go get something eat. There she is laying in a bed after almost dying, and still on verge, making sure other people around here are more comfortable than she was. Unbelievable!

Again, fast forwarding, some mobility has returned but we have no idea where she will be in the end. There is a very good possibility she will need full time care for the rest of her life. Not knowing how to plan anything really sucks. I have no idea how to help. Perhaps someone else has gone through something similar? There is a possibility that she may walk again too. However, too many life experiences have made me a realist/pessimist. How do you maintain hope and a positive outlook when shit keeps happening? I used to believed everything happens for a reason. It is down right fucking hard to see how this happened for a reason to someone whom has done nothing but put everybody else in front of themselves. I would certainly like to know how something positive can come this.

A few "sayings" are helping me through this.

Life is a bunch of shit in between a few fleeting moments of joy.

A persons true character is shown while navigating life's Tributaries.

God grant me the serenity........

Thanks to anybody who has read the whole post and any advice is welcomed. Perhaps not advice for me but something I may pass on to my mom to help her through all of this.


GRAVITY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







IF TOO DEPRESSING, PLEASE DELETE.

[wyome]

Sorry to hear about your Mom. The positive is that she is still with you. Now is the time for the family to come together and take care of the one who has taken care of you.

This forum is full of people who have gone through the shit, and they have advice for you. This forum is full of people who will listen when you need to talk.

[sniper7]

Very sorry to hear about all that. I imagine it wouldn't be possible to uproot the family and jobs to go back, what about your sister? Between her and some assisted living folks that come in she could probably still be at home, but that might be a big burden on your sister, might be better if your mom lived with her.
any word on what insurance covers?

[KestrelBike]

One positive thing is you can tell your mom the way you feel about her, and how much you admire her. That's an opportunity that isn't granted to many people when accidents like this happier and someone passes away unexpectedly.

I'm sorry to hear about your family's pain. Feel better, man.

[Gman]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and your mom's injuries.

I heard a comment in a movie tonight that put some of the hardships I've been through into a good summation;
Where do we go when tough situations come into our lives? We go forward. It's the only direction God gave us.

My faith has helped me through some really tough times.

Strong friendships and family can help as well.

[Aloha_Shooter]

Sorry to hear all that has happened to you. Your mom's injuries are tough to deal with but the flip side is that she is still here. Think of how you'd feel if she had died in that fall and you never got to talk to her. You said you have a couple kids. Take advantage of this opportunity to let them get to know their grandmother; it's not like she has a lot more to do or is going anywhere right now. One of the best things would be to take a video camera and let them ask her questions about the grandfather they never knew. I interviewed my mother's parents once and wish I'd done it more; my mother and her sisters treasure the interviews I was able to conduct.

Take the chance to talk to your mom and ask her how she stays so positive in the face of all that's happened to her. She must be a special lady to have raised you and your sister despite being widowed at such a young age and for her first thought after her own accident to be offering you something to eat.

[Ronin13]

Damn, that's terrible. I hate to hear good people befall bad situations. Like others have said, be thankful she's still here. Prayers going your direction.

[Bailey Guns]

The tragedies that befell your dad and mom have helped you to realize how special they were and are and how much influence they've had upon you. Now is the time for you to step up and show mom how the values she helped to instill in you will guide you through this, helping her and others who may need you in the future. Some day your kids will be talking about how special you are like you're speaking of your mom right now. I can't imagine a better outcome.

Everything sounds like a cliche when you try to put these kinds of things into perspective. But I hope they help you to become a stronger person...the kind of person it sounds like your mom is and your dad was. Don't give up on life...power through the bad times so you can get to the next good time.

Good luck to you in finding the strength to deal with this and best wishes for continued improvement for mom.

[kwando]

Sorry to hear about your Mom. The positive is that she is still with you. Now is the time for the family to come together and take care of the one who has taken care of you.



Sorry to hear about your mom but wyome is right. Take care of your mom, I've never understood why someone would leave their blood in a nursing home to die. I grew up seeing my parents take care of my grandparents. My grandfather passed away peacefully at home with his loved one. We were insistent on not having him in a facilities. You could tell he was more comfortable at home. I'm thankful I have a good job and was able to stay home for over a month, but I would be willing to walk away from a great job just to take care of him.

[Great-Kazoo]

This is when you and your sister and any other siblings (if any) sit down and discuss what the next step is in your mom's care. Is she qualified for rehab / 24hr health care. If not who will become the care giver in the family? If she has to be home bound and not in a facility how does one go about getting the home set up for her needs / access to the daily routine.

On another note. IF a family member decides to take care of her. They will qualify as care givers (once they do the paper work , jump through the hoops) which will allow them to receive payment for taking care of her. So many people are unaware of or don't want to deal with it, thus loosing compensation for their time.

One may say I will not accept payment / charity for taking care of a family member. Fine, HOWEVER you must realize becoming a care giver is difficult both physically & emotionally. What was once your normal routine has been thrown out the window. You life now revolves around said family member.
IMO one deserves something for that time, take any assistance you can. You (mostly everyone) has paid in to S/Security or other retirement not to mention those taxes . If you're able to take advantage of what one has paid in to.

Our sister takes care of dad since she is the closet one to him. We'd move him out here, however i doubt he could do the plane flight w/out TSA escorting him off the plane. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T SMOKE MY CIGARS AND CARRY MY GUN!!
Forget about driving him. To say he is difficult would be an understatement.

Positive thoughts & prayers for you and your loved ones.

[StagLefty]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. Prayers for you and your family.

[Skip]

Very sorry OP. Sometimes it helps me to focus on the things that are going well. You said you have children... You can look at them and know a piece of your parents lives on in them. And no matter what, you can teach your children about your parents.


Sorry to hear about your mom but wyome is right. Take care of your mom, I've never understood why someone would leave their blood in a nursing home to die. I grew up seeing my parents take care of my grandparents. My grandfather passed away peacefully at home with his loved one. We were insistent on not having him in a facilities. You could tell he was more comfortable at home. I'm thankful I have a good job and was able to stay home for over a month, but I would be willing to walk away from a great job just to take care of him.

A couple of years ago we lost my grandmother. She was very independent and stayed at home (home hospice) until the last three/four days. It got to the point no one could care for her at home so she was moved into hospice.

We stayed there all day and she insisted we go home to sleep. I had even taken time off of work to be there because we were told it wouldn't be long (the Drs were right). The most depressing thing was all around us the rooms were occupied with no visitors. And it was common to see an ambulance in the back loading up as discretely as possible.

[Hound]

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Not that any of this is good, but if it had to happen she is in a better place than many others due to her age. I don't know what the finical situation is but she is right at retirement age. Two or three years later and she could have gotten more from Social Security but it is what it is. Don't try to carry the whole load, this is what the social saftey net was specifically created for, use it. There are many programs to help her. Social Security and Medicare are the two people sometimes forget at times like this but even those are not the only ones. Hopefully she had something set aside for retirement, look into putting that, her home, car...... EVERYTHING into a trust that she does not have access to. Essentially make her destitute and put in for these programs to maximize the return, it's counter intuative but the way the game works. You and you sister can administer her estate to make sure she is taken care of and comfortable. Get a lawyer and/or fincial planner to walk you through how to do this. Don't run through all of her savings and yours trying to carry the load. People will try to be stoic and not burden anybody, worry about the now, assuming no real future. She may live for 20-30 more years....... You don't know. Plan for it. This woman worked her whole life. You don't build up 96 sick days sitting on the couch eating Cheetos, watching Opra, spitting out kids at 20 somethings years old. She earned the assistance that the Government can and will provide.... Take every penny. It sounds like she won't. Don't concentrate on the shit sandwhich, it sucks, got it. Nobody would blame you for sulking in it but don't. My family has gone through several of these serious circumstances and the worst thing you can possibly do is let the negativity in. It will eat at the souls of everybody involved. Don't let it, your mom sounds like she already knows this. It is why she offered you money to eat with. That is what you need to concentrate on.

You like sayings to live by here are two:

Plan for the worst, hope for the best and deal with whatever comes.

You got this far, now do SOMETHING smart.

That last one I got from my Grandfather who died last Friday after fighting multiple cancers and tumors. The trick most people miss with that last saying is that it does not care about what you did before. Wether you made good or bad decisions does not matter, you are here now...... do something smart. Take time to let her know you and yours love her. You almost missed the chance this time. Take care of her finances, she has enough on her plate right now. That is real help she needs and from the sound of it won't ask for. Don't let the negatives set in, it will kill her in a slow death and eat at you for your remaining time. Enjoy her while you can, we all go eventually.

Good luck and give her a hug from all of us. She sounds like an amazing old girl.

[Jeffrey Lebowski]

Another very sorry thought. :(

Got nothing in terms of LTC advice or therapy.
Thoughts and prayers, however.

[wctriumph]

A difficult time to be sure. Keep fighting the good fight, prayers on the way up.

[sako55]

Thanks all for the thoughts and advice. She is in a good rehab and has great insurance. She worked for a school district and has decent retirement benefits. I am sure the financial side will work out okay. My sister is a nurse and wants to take care of her. My mom would never allow me to move back. She would actually get pretty pissed at me. She is progressing and should have some quality of life.

Getting back over Mother's Day here to see her again. Looking forward to it. Thanks again.

[cstone]

You have inherited both the good and bad from your parents. This is the legacy our parents leave to us and it is a wise person who recognizes this while they are still with you.

What does your Mom want to do? Today? Tomorrow? Next year? Talk with her about how she wants to move forward.

Your wife and children come first. You and your wife's families are a close second. Talk to your wife about how you may be a part of what your mother wants to do with her life. Try not to make commitments that you cannot keep or that may cause damage to your own family.

Know that no one is alone unless they choose to be alone. Your Mom has you and her family. You have your wife and your family. You have friends, including some people here on this board. If you have a need, ask. There are opportunities for all of us to serve one another. Often we just need to be told where those opportunities are.

I pray for healing, grace and patience for your Mom, you, your wife and children. May you find peace in the knowledge that no problem is bigger than God.

Be safe.

[4gunfun]

I am mostly a lurker too with not to much knowledge to add to this forum. I hope this is not depressing for everyone but is a story of hope and encouragement. I always thought I have had a easy life but now I wonder..... My dad died in a car accident when I was 10, my bros were 11 and 14. My mom got remarried two yrs later to a amazing man. My father for the next 32 years. They had a amazing life together for the next 30 years untill they got in a car accident and my mom was killed. Not their fault, someone was passing in a no passing spot and hit them. Then two years later my stepdad died of lung cancer. His first wife died of cancer a year or so after he got married in his early 20s. My brother when he was 40 had some big piece of cement fall on him and broke his back real bad and has been in a wheel chair for the last 17 years. I don't know if it is our faith in God but everyone in these stories would tell you life is hard but it was great! To answer your question of how good can come out of this, we might not see it always. Because my dad died my stepdad got to marry my mom and like I said they had a great life together. I don't know what good came out of my mom dying. I did not get to say goodbye to her. Sniff sniff. I have a wonderful wife, 4 kids and three grand babies and believe I am very blessed. My bro in a wheelchair has had a amazing life with his wife and kids and grand babies too! Stay strong brother, hang in there life will be better guaranteed. Hug your wife, hug your kids and hug your sister too. It will work out and you will figure it out in time. And if you keep your head up and focus on the good parts of life you will look back someday and say life is great too. but it is up to you and what you focus on.

[TheGrey]

Thank god your mom is alive! Such moments help to serve as a wake-up call to remind us to cherish every moment with our loved ones.

You're going to see her on Mother's Day? Wonderful!

There is a special breed of people that seems to be at their very best when faced with adversity. Your mom sounds like one of those people. When you and your sister are visiting her on Mother's Day, that's the time to find out what you can do to help her. My Mom had a very difficult time after she hurt herself at work; it compounded problems she already had and ended with her no longer being able to do her job. She was absolutely crushed, and depressed. I started calling her, every morning. We chat about silly things, about what she's reading, what's going on with family and friends, what the cats are up to, and so on. No talk about politics or things that would upset her! It keeps her connected, we both look forward to the daily phone call, and because I often ask her advice on things, she still feels wanted and needed. She's going to have a lot of empty hours to fill now, while she's healing. Be the loving, encouraging son that you are. Your dad no longer walks the earth, but he lives in the hearts of everyone that knew him. Your mom is still here, and that is a blessing.

[BigBear]

Not sure what to say... Praying for you. We're here if you need something.

[spqrzilla]

Sako, the biggest mistake that people make in these situations is believe that they have to deal with this alone. There are organizations that can offer in home care assistance, there are support groups for the family members that are care givers and much more. Take advantage of these organizations.

[Danimal]

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