View Full Version : Divorced guys: When did you know it was over
I've been a member for a few years now but I'm going through a pending divorce so I needed to create an alias.
For you divorced folks, when did you decide it wasn't worth it anymore? How did you know? What did it take?
I've only been married about four years but it seems like she has completely fallen out of love with me. She lies to me consistently and when I catch her in a blatant lie she acts like it's no big deal. It's not little things, but she lies about who she's with and where she is. I'm not sure if she's cheating but I don't see when she would have the time to do so but I don't know. She has been "going out" a lot more after work lately and doesn't tell me she's going out, just shows up home late after not answering her phone with alcohol on her breath. She is with people I know and unless they are all lying to me as well then I don't think she's cheating. There is a lot of other little things, I feel like I'm the only one trying, she doesn't care that our marriage has gone to crap. If she cared and was willing to work at the marriage it would be one thing but it seems like she's over it.
Worst thing too, I cannot afford a divorce lawyer. I don't have much and I don't think she would come after me for what I do have but you hear horror stories all the time.
Byte Stryke
01-13-2011, 20:49
when she decided she liked women as much as I did.
o_0
[Eek3]
PS, Have a Brother or Buddy you know and TRUST buy all of your Guns YESTERDAY for $1
Get a RECEIPT
Give her 50 cents
BPTactical
01-13-2011, 20:51
when she decided she liked women as much as I did.
o_0
[Eek3]
Shit- thats the time to really keep her at all cost[Muaha]
Do you have kids? I've seen it a few times from both sides. One thing I can tell you is that you just know, when you truly feel you've been wronged it's probably good to go with your heart.
"...when did you decide it wasn't worth it anymore? How did you know? What did it take?"
I can't answer those questions but...I can say "you know." As an aside, my divorce was back in 92', no kids and very amicable but...damn...ya' just know.
My only piece of shit advice; "regardless of what you think you have, or don't have, lawyer-up before any final decree."
Do you have kids?
No kids
I can't answer those questions but...I can say "you know." As an aside, my divorce was back in 92', no kids and very amicable but...damn...ya' just know.
My only piece of shit advice; "regardless of what you think you have, or don't have, lawyer-up before any final decree."
Yeah, I kinda figured that, don't know where the money is going to come from.
NO kids................RUN.
If your having problems with no rug rats, It only gets harder with them. Children help keep you together but somethimes it's just better to let each other go.
You know in your heart what to do.
have you talked to her about counseling.
do you think she is developing a drinking problem?
there is ALWAYS time for cheating. If you have a deep down gut feeling, and are seriously worried about it, bring it up. ask her only once and see the reaction. of course the answer is going to be NO, but see how she reacts. if it is enough to make you question more, do some investigating.
if she is in fact, that will help you a lot in the divorce.
I hate to see people get divorced, but people change, things changes, priorities change. at least in your case no kids are involved as they are truly the ones who suffer.
I also 2nd on selling anything important to you to a trusted friend and she will get 1/2 the money. I strongly support that you lawyer up. be first, strike hard and show no mercy. from all the stories I have even read, they definitely show no mercy.
How old are you and wife?
Ps. If you need a hiding place for guns, I'm sure we can help.[Wink]
BPTactical
01-13-2011, 21:35
Sorry to make a joke about ByteStryke's comment.
I know you have to be hurting.
I have never been divorced so I am on the outside looking in.
But I have been married for 24 years and with her for 28 and we have had our ups and downs.
Nothing stings like doubts.
Not coming home, drinking and not answering the phone are all big time red flags.
The lying is is another one.
Trust has been violated, and it is a hard thing to get back and it takes a long time.
Dont trust her friends, they may very well be laying cover for her.
If she has not cheated as yet all the signs are there that she will soon.
Does she want this marriage?
Do you want this marriage?
The brother in law has been married and divorced twice and he put it well. "If you are asking yourself the questions you are, then you have your answer."
If a divorce is imminent are you at least amicable? If so you may be able to save on an attorney and do much yourselves.
Otherwise as it was said-Lawyer up-hit first, hit hard.
hurley842002
01-13-2011, 21:39
I don't really have any advice to give you (never been married and my longest relationship is my current one of 3yrs), but i'd like to wish you the best, and I hope everything turns out well for you.
[Beer]
SideShow Bob
01-13-2011, 22:02
I don't have much and I don't think she would come after me for what I do have but you hear horror stories all the time.
Sorry to hear about your situation,
Unless you want to have NOTHING get a lawyer or she will take you for everything including all your firearms !
My second ex said she didn't want anything except a divorce. Then she got a lawyer and forced me to sell all my firearms including an old .22 that my father left me. And give her half the cash, and she got the new car and I got the payment, and had to sell the house and split the equity.
Just remember, She will get the Gold mine and you will get the shaft !
Troublco
01-13-2011, 22:27
I'm like BP, I'm looking in. But I helped two of my best friends through really nasty, rough divorces and from those experiences I will echo the advice about the lawyer. My one buddy and his ex had agreed, no lawyers. They went to court for the first hearing and, lo and behold, she showed up with a lawyer and he didn't and it started costing him right then. Whatever you do, the lawyer is going to be essential at some point. Thank the Lord you don't have kids, because that will make it easier, not that anything about the process is easy. I would agree with getting the guns out of the house if you can, find someone you trust to keep them for you.
The other friend's first wife had made a list of guns by model and serial number, and had pulled a couple out and made them disappear and he couldn't do squat about those. She took half the value of his guns; including taking the couple that had been his late father's. Not all women are nasty and vindictive like that, but honestly I believe I'd rather be safe than sorry especially if you believe that you're being lied to now. Listen to your gut; if you feel like something's wrong it's probably because you're picking up little things and noticing certain things that don't add up right.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this in any form, especially having helped two of my best friends through it and knowing from that what a mess it is. Divorce is, in my mind, the option of last possible resort but if you come to it then you need to make sure you don't get taken.
Once again, sorry to hear it and I sure hope things ease up for you.
I forgot to mention. I have a family friend that is a divorce lawyer if you need somewhere to start. just send me a PM.
DD977GM2
01-13-2011, 22:54
have you talked to her about counseling.
do you think she is developing a drinking problem?
there is ALWAYS time for cheating. If you have a deep down gut feeling, and are seriously worried about it, bring it up. ask her only once and see the reaction. of course the answer is going to be NO, but see how she reacts. if it is enough to make you question more, do some investigating.
if she is in fact, that will help you a lot in the divorce.
I hate to see people get divorced, but people change, things changes, priorities change. at least in your case no kids are involved as they are truly the ones who suffer.
I also 2nd on selling anything important to you to a trusted friend and she will get 1/2 the money. I strongly support that you lawyer up. be first, strike hard and show no mercy. from all the stories I have even read, they definitely show no mercy.
In Colorado, it is a no fault state. Adultery has no bearing on the divorce case what so ever. She could be railed by every CO citizen and would still not hold any weight in court.
2008f450
01-13-2011, 23:48
My wife and I have been together for 12 years married 10. We went through some tough times a couple years back. We didnt think we loved each other anymore. We tried counseling, therapists, I even let a shrink try some medications that altered my chemistry to see if it helped. What finally did it for us was we started to just talk. With our busy lives that was something we didnt do much. My advise for all that its worth (not a lot) is sit down with her and talk. no yelling no accusssing just sit and ask how she is what is she thinking what is wrong. And you have to ask your self thesame questions as well. Dont get defensive and dont say nothing is wrong if she asks you. JMHO take it for what you will. And good luck.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years married 10. We went through some tough times a couple years back. We didnt think we loved each other anymore. We tried counseling, therapists, I even let a shrink try some medications that altered my chemistry to see if it helped. What finally did it for us was we started to just talk. With our busy lives that was something we didnt do much. My advise for all that its worth (not a lot) is sit down with her and talk. no yelling no accusssing just sit and ask how she is what is she thinking what is wrong. And you have to ask your self thesame questions as well. Dont get defensive and dont say nothing is wrong if she asks you. JMHO take it for what you will. And good luck.
I wish she would sit down and talk. I've tried and she refuses. She won't go to counseling with me. She says she'll do something and then doesn't. I even said "I don't care if you go out with friends for a few drinks, just tell me". She couldn't even keep that promise for a week. I've tried to make this work but it's like she gave up long ago. I want to make it work, I love her very much. I think that's why this is such a shock to me and very hard to swallow.
Byte Stryke
01-14-2011, 00:10
Love without trust is a heartache.
Set up an appointment with a counselor. If she won't go, cancel the appointment and set one up with a lawyer instead.
Set up an appointment with a counselor. If she won't go, cancel the appointment and set one up with a lawyer instead.
That is my plan for early next week. Going to a marriage counselor and if she refuses to go that will also help my case. I'm going to go anyway even if she doesn't show up. I'll email her the date and time and all that jazz so that there is a record that I attempted to get her to come with me to reconcile the marriage.
When I read some emails to her best friend about her new friend in MT. It was like a kick in the nuts. Absolute and total trust just dissolved.
In Colorado, it is a no fault state. Adultery has no bearing on the divorce case what so ever. She could be railed by every CO citizen and would still not hold any weight in court.
Yep.
We were able to keep it together enough to divide up everything, write it down and sign the paperwork. After that was not pleasant.
The word lawyer came up once. When I told her that if lawyers get involved neither of us would walk away with anything, she was more willing to sit down at the table (which she got).
The two of you can do all the divorce papers on your own. The courthouse will provide the paper work but you will have to ask for each document. They will provide no "legal" advise. I kept asking what was needed to cover all the bases, getting a little more info each time I asked.
Not sure where you are but there is a place in west Boulder County that be used for any storage needs you may have. PM if needed.
Thank you for dredging up an 11 year old nightmare.
Good luck. This won't be easy but the faster you cut it loose and get on with YOUR life, the better.
That is my plan for early next week. Going to a marriage counselor and if she refuses to go that will also help my case. I'm going to go anyway even if she doesn't show up. I'll email her the date and time and all that jazz so that there is a record that I attempted to get her to come with me to reconcile the marriage.
Not sure what case this will help. CO is no fault.
I know a good counselor between Longmont and Ft Collins, if you want to talk to someone. He does marriage counseling.
Well, I will throw my two cents into the pot. You don't have any kids, get the fuck out now. I believe in no compromise in few things in life. The person in which you are going to spend the rest of your life with is one of them. Now, rather you end up on the short end of the stick on the others end, well, shit happens. The road goes both ways. If she is treating you and your relationship that way, get the fuck out. That in itself should tell you something. You don't have any kids, sign the papers and walk away. Colorado is a great state for divorce in that neither one of you can really screw the other over legaly. I have had two now, one in which I let off the hook, and the other was like Byte's situation (I did try to play that out a little though, that is another story). They had lawyers, I did not. Whatever you owned going into the marriage, is yours. Whatever she owned before she was married to you, is hers. The stuff you got together, is the stuff you get to divide. If you want something in that divided shit, sell it to a friend now. No joke. Divorce lawyers are the biggest lying pieces of shit there are. Each of their lawyers lied to me to no end about what they could do, wha they could get bla bla bla. Fuck them, they lie. 50 50 all the way. Hopefully if she is already pulling that shit, she will agree to sign the papers and walk away without any need for a lawyer. In that case, there are spots on the paperwork in which you put what you are taking away from the split, make sure you write every little fucking thing on that list if you don't want her to be able to make a fuss about it later on down the road. Other than that, go get yourself a woman that will treat you better.
I fucking hate cunts... Sorry.
gnihcraes
01-14-2011, 08:29
No experience with divorce here, but the neighbor kid had a similar situation with his new wife, always lying etc. He divorced her, she got 1/2 everything. Hurt him bad. I think she married just to get divorced and get the money. Her way of moving up the ladder so to say. Marry, divorce, money, do over. Only thing that saved him was a pre-nup on one property and his 55 chevy.
Talk to a lawyer. If you don't have much and no kids, it won't be as costly as you think to pay the lawyer. If she's reasonable about everything, the lawyer can just help with the paperwork and it will be over, limiting the costs. You can do it yourself if she's willing and there isn't a fight about everything. (doubtful on that though)
bellavite1
01-14-2011, 08:51
Divorces no, bad breakups yes.
If it gets to the point that you have doubts, it is time to split.
With the right woman there should never be questions or doubts, whether justified or not.
You are wasting your time in this relationship.
Start fresh and look for the one you can spend your life with.
I had to come to the other side of the world and my wife had to divorce three times before we found each other...
Good women are out there, go get one![Beer]
BPTactical
01-14-2011, 08:52
I wish she would sit down and talk. I've tried and she refuses. She won't go to counseling with me. She says she'll do something and then doesn't. I even said "I don't care if you go out with friends for a few drinks, just tell me". She couldn't even keep that promise for a week. I've tried to make this work but it's like she gave up long ago. I want to make it work, I love her very much. I think that's why this is such a shock to me and very hard to swallow.
How do you know it is over?
See the above. You have answered your own question.
If she is unwilling to work at it it is done. A marriage actually has less to do with love but everything about commitment and hard work and wanting it to work.
It has to be this way with both parties involved.
It is not a one sided thing.
henpecked
01-14-2011, 10:05
There is life after divorce.....
Dont make the same mistakes twice.
If theres no effort on her end then its time to move on
Planning now will save you headaches later
Get pictures, birth certificates, copy of life insurance, pensions
social security and any information you think you might need later
and copy it now and remove it to a secure location.
GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW BEFORE YOU SAY THE D WORD
You could come home to a restraining order and then it will be too late
CrufflerSteve
01-14-2011, 10:44
Definitely have it together before the word divorce come out. Banks accounts credit cards have to be considered.
In my past divorce I found friends were almost as bad as divorce lawyers. You can at least know a lawyer wants a fight so he can get everything you have. Do everything possible to avoid a fight.
Hanging out here you probably own a gun or two. That could be used against you if it gets ugly. You might want to get them all stored at a friend's place.
Steve
Geology Rocks
01-14-2011, 12:01
sorry to hear about this man..:( My advice is to sell everything to a friend you can truly trust. sell them for normal amounts of money with the understanding that when you are back on your feet you can buy them and everything back.
get your ducks in a row now as well. I had a friend get divorced and it was going to be civil. He had a good business, 2 beautiful houses, boats, cars everything. He built it all before he met her. Now? he lives in an apartment and she lives in the house he bought with some other dude who now drives his boat. Divorces are not civil.
i also say try and work it out. tell her exactly how you feel and try and have her tell you how she feels.
I am unemployed at this time. If you want me to follow her I will...lol.
joe
In Colorado, it is a no fault state. Adultery has no bearing on the divorce case what so ever. She could be railed by every CO citizen and would still not hold any weight in court.
Good info. I didn't know that.
No Fault State means a whole lot more. My suggestion to you is look it up and read about it. You have no kids, again, what this means is all you have to do is split shit up that you aquired together. If she is working or has worked while you have been married, you don't have to worry about alimony. If you owned it before you got married, it is yours, plain and simple. Same thing with her and her shit. If you want something that you aquired while being married to her, sell it to a friend. You don't actually have to sell it, just write out a recipet for whatever ammount of money looks good, you both sign it, make copies, *give him the original* which you might need later. Then there is no money between the two of you to worry about later. When it comes down to it if she and her lawyer ask what you did with the money you got from the stuff, you simply tell them, you spent it. They can't do shit about it at that point. But, you need to do it before you bring up divorce, once that word hits the air, they can fight you on anything, make the recipets date to before the D word ever came out.
If I'd shot her when I met her, I'd be half way through my sentence.
Troublco
01-14-2011, 14:49
One other thought here - if you guys have a (or more than one) joint bank account, she can legally go clean out every cent you have and there isn't thing one you can do about it. If you have any joint credit cards, same thing. She can run them up and you are legally obligated. Just some things to keep in mind.
Yep, they sure can, my second x sold my 68 camaro right before she asked for the divorce, nothing special, just a nice old restored camaro. Put the money somewhere and used it later after it was final.
BPTactical
01-14-2011, 15:48
I fucking hate cxnts... Sorry.
I rather enjoy them immensely.....................it is the life support system for them that is a PITA!
I'm jus sayin.........
"No Fault State means a whole lot more. My suggestion to you is look it up and read about it.
You have no kids, again, what this means is all you have to do is split shit up that you aquired together. If she is working or has worked while you have been married, you don't have to worry about alimony..."
I’m not “pokin’” on spyder here, afterall, he's shared great advice, get yourself educated, and I'm sure you will. I'm just using the quote above as an opportunity to share “more of my shitty, worthless advice.”
My qualifications to respond:
1. Very little to none, I am not a lawyer, have not had anything beyond traditional undergrad-level education and none of that in the Legal realm ever extended beyond Business & Finance related law.
2. I know very, very little of CO statutes re: dissolving a marriage and I have never executed a “divorce” in CO so no experience here.
3. But…I have had the pleasure [Puke] of executing the separation and dissolution process (“divorce”) in its entirety in a ‘No-fault” state (lived the ride…fuuuccckkkk…what a shit-fest and…mine was not nearly as contentious as most) so I’m going to re-state the following.
Once more, no matter where you stand financially today or where you think you will or will not be tomorrow and in the future, get an experienced divorce attorney, preferably female, with a proven success history, period. Do not fuck-around, find the money and get a good lawyer.
Kids or no kids, short or long-term marriage [talkin' outta my ass...I believe the legal community recognizes “10-years or more” as the general precedent for defining long-term] if you are in a “No-fault” jurisdiction you still need strong representation biased in your favor to ensure your financial interests at a minimum are crisply handled without threat. Examples in response to the “don’t worry about it” comment.
Point one: If the spouse lawyers’ up, anticipate equalization of the finances and some assets during separation, typically, the spouse with the strongest financial position is in the negative position. Translated to the real-world; I had to assume all existing primary liabilities & debts during the process period and I was ordered to also pay monthly “alimony” [under the guise of “Maintenance Fees”, nice term, eh?] to ensure my future Ex could establish alternative residency and maintain her life-style within reason. Bottom-line – I got all the bills, she got the new Acura, a new apartment, half of the short-term savings account and then…I also HAD TO PAY A MONTHLY MAINTENANCE FEE” (i.e. send the cash baby) befors even getting to the Final Judgment.
Point-two: I’m not going into detail but I will say this; “ensure your portfolio and more importantly your future earnings and / or future earnings potential are fully protected to the extent possible" (ß good, experienced lawyer required). Translated to the real-world; after all the hagglin’ challenges (won some lost some) I still ended-up being pigeon-holed into making a lump-sum payment to protect my future interests. (i.e. drop this big chunk of cash on me now and we’ll let you have protection that I won’t “come back at you in the future”). I had to pay in bulk, money I did not have, so that I would not have to continue to pay “alimony” for an additional 3 years in my case, and to receive protection from future action. Money well-spent for the peace of mind I obtained.
My circumstance: Not very contentious, we maintained a decent relationship and respect for one another throughout, good attorneys on both sides of the fence fortunately and unfortunately, no kids, far from wealthy, but I made a decent wage with potential and she did not. Not pretty for me at the time but...once that date was reached and judgement was executed, I was free-n-clear.
Look to your future and not just the present is my rambling point. Get a lawyer if you take this beyond an internet thread… 2c
Good luck man, these times in life just f****** suck and there's no short-cuts. Once you come out the back-side though..woooo hoooo...life is good.
Byte Stryke
01-14-2011, 16:29
Do not fuck-around, find the money and get a good lawyer.
as the sayin Goes, Pay me now or pay me later.
<MADDOG>
01-14-2011, 19:00
I will interject the only advice that hasn't been said thus far: you truly don't know someone until your start divorcing them. In my personal and observed experiences, women get more evil and vindictive than the husband ever anticipates...
I will interject the only advice that hasn't been said thus far: you truly don't know someone until your start divorcing them. In my personal and observed experiences, women get more evil and vindictive than the husband ever anticipates...
If you really want to know how evil a potential wife could be, tell her one night after you two get done in the sack that she was almost as good as her sister. You will know evil then. [Muaha]
BlasterBob
01-14-2011, 20:02
Please, do NOT think that I am trying to funny but this "D" stuff is completely new to me. I am truly sad to hear of so damn many marriages being ripped apart.
This is all kinda like a soap opera to me and I had no idea about these serious things going on. Kinda difficult for me to understand since my Mrs. and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in less than a month. So, I do have to admit that I have a "keeper" and she has never indicated ANY dissatisfaction with all the guns and gun stuff and gadgets that I have accumulated over the past 50 years. Something that is just about impossible to believe is that we have never NEVER had a fight/scrap, either physical or even verbal. Now, you know she has to be a VERY tolerable little lady.....
BlasterBob
01-15-2011, 11:51
Wow, looks like my post kinda "killed" this interesting thread. Sorry about that!
theGinsue
01-15-2011, 12:32
I dont think the "sold all my guns for a buck" claim will hold up against a good lawyer.
I can tell you from almost going through a divirce back in 99 that this will NOT work - you will have to ante up 50% of the Fair Market Value of each gun, and more often than not, what your wife's attorney determines to be the Fair Market Value is about 150% of the reall fair market value.
BEFORE any action (including conversation) for divorce is taken, make them disappear. Take photos of EVERYTHING (other than the firearms) that you own so if she gets a restraining order against you that blocks you from your own home you will have documentation and proof of ownership of items that she may choose to sell behind your back.
If you end up leaving the "marital home" to live somewhere else during the process, take EVERYTHING you want with you. Bear in mind that you must leave her with proper accomodations (furniture) to live by, but even obtaining items alloted to you in a divorce decree is difficult.
One of my best friends and hunting partners just went through a divorce where personal possessions "disappeared" from his marital home after he moved out and trying to get back in to get things like clothes, hunting/camping gear was a NIGHTMARE and required surveillance and a commando style collection mission (whereas he had even hired a private security guy as a witness to what was taken).
After the court ordered divorce decree, there were still things that he found difficult (some were impossible) to find and retrieve.
Not sure where you are but there is a place in west Boulder County that be used for any storage needs you may have. PM if needed.
This is really where the trust of someone you know would come in - have the storage put in your friends/family members name - not yours. This way there are all sorts of legal hurtles she'd have to go through to get into it (and a good lawyer WILL find it!).
funkfool
01-15-2011, 12:42
So, I do have to admit that I have a "keeper" and she has never indicated ANY dissatisfaction with all the guns and gun stuff and gadgets that I have accumulated over the past 50 years. ......... Now, you know she has to be a VERY tolerable little lady.....
Sounds like you got a great lady.
I have been married for 1.5 yrs so I am still a newlywed so to speak... but - had other long term relationships that ended in a variety of ways...
I will interject the only advice that hasn't been said thus far: you truly don't know someone until your start divorcing them. In my personal and observed experiences, women get more evil and vindictive than the husband ever anticipates...
I'd agree but amend that to say that divorce (or hell, just bad times) changes people. It will apply to you just as much to her. Protect yourself as much as you can and bless the fact you don't have kids.
Also, keep in mind that any joint debt is still your problem, no matter what happens in a settlement. The companies that own the debt don't care. Cancel your credit cards. A day or two before you hit her with paperwork, empty your bank account (and switch your direct deposit, if any) into a separate individual account and close out any overdraft funds. Don't use the same bank, either. She may still get access to it via settlement, but at least she can't spend it out from under you beforehand.
2ndAmendment
01-16-2011, 15:44
Best of luck bud....god bless
When is it over,,, when you said I DO...
another note, go out and find a chick you like and then BUY her a house and move on......(Rod Stewart)
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