View Full Version : Advice on potential dangerous situation ...
I haven't been a member here long but have gotten a lot of valuable advice from you guys so I will tell you a story and you tell me what you think should be my next course of action...
My wife has started to have some trouble with an old friend. She has known this guy for about 30 years . They were close friends in middle and high school and kept in touch through college and up until about 6 years ago when he pronounced his dying love for her . She did not reciprocate and told him he was mistaken and that they were only friends and have only ever been friends all their lives and that she was married and he needed to respect that. He does work overseas and is in and out of the country , he has been married 4 times and seems to contact her every time he gets divorced since he says, "he compares every other woman to her " . All of this happened in Louisiana where she lived all her life. We moved here to colorado about 3 years ago. We usually would hear from him every few years for a few weeks and then he would go dig a hole somewhere and disappear.
Last week he started texting her again about how she was the only one and that he was lost without her. He then showed up to her work to wait for her to get off and texted her that he was waiting outside for her to "decide his fate". Luckily she had gone home early and was at home during this time (she did not tell him that) and just told him she wouldn't see him and that it wasn't healthy what he is doing and he stopped texting. The next day while I was at work he texted her small talk and she ignored him and as soon as I got home from work he stopped. I suspect he was watching our neighborhood. We found out he is living in Denver now weirdly enough recently.
We filed a report with the local police department so that thy have a record of the incident. Nothing criminal "yet" but she wanted them to be aware. We both decided didn't want to ruin his life with a a restraining order yet since if he has government contracts to work overseas I'm sure that would hinder that and send him over the edge to do something....anything. We did not tell him we filled anything yet because we did not want to escalate him.
Last night he started texting again and she told him he crossed the line and that he was making her uncomfortable and that they could not be friends and that she did not want to have any contact with him any longer. He then said fine she "would not see him again" but then followed with more text saying he was going to move to Colorado Springs for work. She didn't reply to any of this because its just a temp to get her to have dialogue. The texts stopped last night but who knows what he will do next.
We are both CCW holders and try to constantly be aware of our surroundings anyway but aside from setting up a trench around the house I worry about her home alone or going to work and getting off at night. I guess this is more of a vent and to get others opinions on the situation and ideas of how to handle this. Thanks for listening.
Byte Stryke
12-28-2012, 08:18
too much consideration for him, not enough for yourselves.
GET AN EPO! Change phone Numbers at a Minimum.
Consider notifying his command. even as a contractor we are under full authority of the UCMJ. Those that do not think so are delusional.
DO NOT underestimate the ability of an attacker to trip and go off.
http://georgiapacking.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=79966
HBARleatherneck
12-28-2012, 08:18
im just curious...
how did he find her in Colorado?
how did he get her phone number?
does you wife want to be found?
im not implying she does, but how does someone out of her life, get her personal contact information? If she hasnt changed her number since 6 years ago, she needs to. and if she places all her life on facebook, she shouldnt.
if it goes to far, call the police. thats what they are for. if he doesnt respect the police and keeps at it. It seems as you are both potentially prepared for that too.
We they've been casual friends since high school so Facebook (which I don't do and am totally against) and mutual friends make it easy to find out what city someone lives in and I don't think she has ever changed her number, he didn't cross the line and start the crazy talk until about two weeks ago. After the first time he told her how he felt 6 years ago and she told him he was mistaken he then said how he didn't mean it like that and that he was ok being friends and all that jazz.
im not 100% clear exactly even what he does or who he works for . I know he goes overseas ever few years to do some kind of work. Is there a way I can find that out?
she is fully aware of how psycho paths work . She used to work at a women's only emergency hospital and would take care of cases of disturbing nature and we both work in the medical field for the past 12 years. I used to tell her not to watch all those shows on tv about people that snapped or went crazy but now I'm glad she does and is slightly paranoid .
I don't understand why she don't change the phone number and forget the story? Or most simple Don't respond any simple text or call! Easy!!!!
I'm sorry but if a friend of my wife say that he dying for love her my wife cut everything immediately!!!
She need change the phone number, don't respond any text and make some adjustment in FB (maybe disable the location option)
I'm sorry my friend but if she don't want to make this changes she like talk to him, is simple!
She has stopped responding after telling him to stop contact per the instruction of the officer that took the statement . There needed to be "a line drawn in the sand" so to speak . Now she is not responding and has no intention to. She had adjusted her facebook to block him already a long time ago. We will be changing her number.
i understand the first thought would be that she was allowing it to continue but it is not that way but it is hard to convey in a story. Thank you for all your Ideas, I just needed some outside opinions.
BPTactical
12-28-2012, 08:34
You have played it well so far and I applaud the fact at first you did not file a RO at first. Your wife was correct in telling him he was mistaken on the nature of their relationship and to cease contact.
However he has escalated the situation by stating he is moving.
I feel it could almost be in the criteria of stalking now.
Do not play nice anymore.
If he contacts her again, file.
Document everything.
Oh I will , if I "accidentally" see him somewhere I will document or if there is anymore contact in text or email as well. On a side note if we change phone numbers in the age of Internet and everything available how hard is it to find someone's number really? I would imagine being realistic if somebody wanted it ...they could get it.
at first he was contacting her two weeks ago to tell her he was taking a job in Korea and now he says he has one here.... I honestly don't believe anything he says so I don't rule anything out.
My wife watches a ton of those true crime shows on TV. Therefore, I watch those shows. If I were in a similar situation I would definitely file a restraining order at this point. Before something bad happens. It'll help you out down the road should he show up at your house intent on killing you so he can be with her. At least when you shoot him dead the authorities will have a little background of how he had been stalking and harassing you guys and was in violation of a court order by being at your home.
Yea that's why we wanted it on record but without physically seeing him at our home or work (even though we definitely think he was there) the officer said a judge also probably wouldn't grant one yet. Also if your used to watching those show then you also know the ratio of people that are killed or harmed by the person they have a restraining order against is astronomical . That is why we filled the report and had the officer come to the house in the event that he shows up at the house and her or I have to "neutralize" the situation if it gets to that point.
Sorry no experience with this first hand...
But it might be too late to change phone #s and get a RO. You mentioned that you suspect he knows where you guys live or he's "watching" you. He's exibiting the "If I can't have her no one will" mentality, and I feel that those types of people are a ticking time bomb. Just like criminals you think getting a RO will stop him, I highly doubt it. He can easily keep tabs on her, fake FB page, google voice number from another state so it looks like he's moved, etc.
Good thing is she has a CCW, make sure you are aware of any suspicious cars. Don't hesitate to call the cops on suspicious people or cars. Better to be overly safe at this point. He's pushing the line and IHO will confront her soon
Man the fuck up and tell him yourself to fuck off. Tell you wife to quit playing along (she might love you but she seems to like the attention), change her number, file for temp restraint, then for a full restraining order.. BLOCK HIM ON FACEBOOK. FROM EVERYTHING AND CHANGE HER FUCKING SETTINGS.
At this point he is harassing and stalking, he showed up to her work. If she wants to be a dumb ass and not press charges because she wants to give him consideration for his life.. let's see how much she changes her mind when she's laying bloodied and raped in a ditch.
CHANGE HER NUMBER! DELETE HER FB! FILE CHARGES!
The TRO and RO will honestly not do one bit of good, but it serves to protect you SHOULD HE VIOLATE it.
PugnacAutMortem
12-28-2012, 09:11
This is the very reason my wife and I do not have opposite sex friends...it just cannot possibly lead to anything good (unless they are a couple and we are friends as a couple with the couple). As it's been stated before, overly cautious is the name of the game at this point. Number change, delete all social media accounts, install a security system in your home (if you don't already have one)...the whole nine.
It's a really shitty situation unfortunately...be careful and both of you keep your eyes peeled. Good luck and keep us updated.
PugnacAutMortem
12-28-2012, 09:15
Man the fuck up and tell him yourself to fuck off. Tell you wife to quit playing along (she might love you but she seems to like the attention)
+321,654,458,543,321.12
I was trying to be a bit more...couth...but this is the best advice so far.
Phone number changing today (although finding out a new phone number isn't hard apparently) Facebook is all private and has always been. Have security on house, she is definitely NOT playing along with him and has kept me completely in the loop about what's going on and has ceased any contact. Initial contact was necessary to let him know where we stand and how he would not be allowed to act . Already said judge wouldn't get a RO yet, not that I think it does anything but piss people off and send then over the edge.
I told him the first time he told her that stuff it would not be tolerated and he backed down pretty fast, I feel that me contacting him now would do nothing but escalate the situation, not about "Manning up" but about making smart decisions for the safety of my wife. I refuse to let something happen to her or make sure he snaps by making myself feel more "manly" or "in charge" and just telling him to go away. Since that clearly isn't working.
but i asked for advice and at this point ill try anything. If attempts anymore contact I will then inform him that he will stop immediately and anymore action on his part will result in police intervention.
KevDen2005
12-28-2012, 09:21
Man the fuck up and tell him yourself to fuck off. Tell you wife to quit playing along (she might love you but she seems to like the attention), change her number, file for temp restraint, then for a full restraining order.. BLOCK HIM ON FACEBOOK. FROM EVERYTHING AND CHANGE HER FUCKING SETTINGS.
At this point he is harassing and stalking, he showed up to her work. If she wants to be a dumb ass and not press charges because she wants to give him consideration for his life.. let's see how much she changes her mind when she's laying bloodied and raped in a ditch.
CHANGE HER NUMBER! DELETE HER FB! FILE CHARGES!
The TRO and RO will honestly not do one bit of good, but it serves to protect you SHOULD HE VIOLATE it.
THIS!!!
The RO is good for numerous reasons. You can show fear if you need to by having it. You have records if you need them if you need them. Arrest is REALLY EASY if it comes to that without having to prove a whole heck of a lot (as far as no-contact orders go). Don't go anywhere that person might be such as bars, grocery stores, etc. Your life is changed because of this A hole. Change your number, report, and do what you need to do to stay safe.
SuperiorDG
12-28-2012, 09:25
Why do I get the feeling something bad is about to happen?
Kraven251
12-28-2012, 09:27
Everyone has had some good advice, but this is what I have to say on the matter. If he wants to know where you live, phone numbers, what you drive, where you work, and has about $200 to commit to it he will get all of that information. It is still a good idea to have her change her number, but I would go a step further and have your carrier block his number as well. AT&T and Verizon have had this service in the past, and they also have the ability to track the number of times a blocked number attempts to call or text, which is convenient for court proceedings.
Also, if your yard will accommodate it where it can be concealed, pick up a motion camera or two from any hunting supply place. Set those up to get a view of your front and back doors. Sure you will get a considerable amount of normal foot traffic pictures, but it will also give you an idea of who is around your house when you guys aren't home.
All of that aside I would also state that you and your wife need to have a very serious talk about what happens when/if he does comein the house. The problem being he was a friend to her anyways. So, she needs to have full understanding if he is in your house, his intentions are not good. He is an immediate threat and should be treated as such. You might think that this is implied, but if you do not prepare for that eventuality, she will be unprepared and at risk because of sentiment.
Very good advice all. We had a talk last night about what would happen if he came in and she actually told me without me mentioning it that if he came in our house his intention was to do harm and she would treat it s such. She has always been a strong supporter of women protecting themselves by force if necessary.
also we believe he lives in the denver area and we know he was down here on Xmas at her work, we don't believe he lives here in springs but it is close enough to keep an eye out.
Why do I get the feeling something bad is about to happen?
My feelings reflect yours as well...
^ trail cameras are the shizz it made us start locking our gate we had an unbelievable amount of people turning around in our driveway....hunting etc
BPTactical
12-28-2012, 10:06
Got any biker buddies?
Half a dozen 1%rs in a fireside chat have a wonderful way of enticing him to pursue his romantic interest in a different direction.
Disclaimer: this is not a solicitation/endorsement for any illegal activity.
Got any biker buddies?
Half a dozen 1%rs in a fireside chat have a wonderful way of enticing him to pursue his romantic interest in a different direction.
Disclaimer: this is not a solicitation/endorsement for any illegal activity.
+1
I'm sorry but if a friend of my wife say that he dying for love her my wife cut everything immediately!!!
She need change the phone number, don't respond any text and make some adjustment in FB (maybe disable the location option)
I'm sorry my friend but if she don't want to make this changes she like talk to him, is simple!
Sorry to derail, but woah buddy... my grammar and syntax alarms are ringing!
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled broadcast- follow what Byte said at the very least- get an RO and make sure to document EVERYTHING! Get a copy of your wife's phone records (you can usually download these) and have a log of every text, call, and time/date for them. Take this to your local PD. I have a friend who had a stalker that wouldn't leave her alone- she couldn't change her number because it was provided by her job, she got the RO, guy didn't respect the limits, and ended up behind bars. I know you don't want to have someone put away, but if there is a potential for danger here (which it would appear so) I'd rather this loon get locked up than something bad happen to you or the missus. Good luck!
Mountain Man
12-28-2012, 11:39
I'm going to re-enforce a lot of what has already been said. I can not stress enough the need to to keep a log of events. A simple call or text here and there will not make a stalking case. Stalking is a complicated case and it generally takes time to make a case. Literally keep a book or excel sheet of every sighting and contact you have had. Make notes of the dates and times. Make sure you have a record of any conversation where you and more importantly she has told him to stop all contact. Then make sure that both of you don't initiate any contact with him. If he continues there can be criminal charges. Usually harassment. This can be difficult if he does call at odd hours or multiple times. Another reason to log things.
If he continues contact or makes a single (even vague) threat get a restraining order. Its a piece of paper but a piece of paper that if he violates it will get him a mandatory trip to jail.
If you see him write down his vehicle description and a plate, if you can get it without following the guy. If you see him around where you live I recommend letting your neighbors know. More eyes are always good.
Physical security is always a good idea. Digital security cameras are relatively inexpensive and the ability to record evidence is great. Especially if there is a restraining order in place. A handy bit of advice. if you do get a restraining order and you see him take a picture if you can. Even with the camera on your phone. Otherwise its your word against his unless its a public place with video cameras that record.
At this point I would be less worried about his well being and be more worried about you and your wife. From what you have said it sounds like the guy has issues.
If you do these things it will help you deal with law Enforcement and the Prosecution if it comes to that. It gives them the tools to help you. Its as close as you are going to get to a win-win situation.
I'm sorry but if a friend of my wife say that he dying for love her my wife cut everything immediately!!!
She need change the phone number, don't respond any text and make some adjustment in FB (maybe disable the location option)
I'm sorry my friend but if she don't want to make this changes she like talk to him, is simple!
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/102/3/a/English_motherfucker_by_mastertobi.jpg
HBARleatherneck
12-28-2012, 11:42
he is from Puerto Rico, how about cutting him some slack?
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/102/3/a/English_motherfucker_by_mastertobi.jpg
OneGuy67
12-28-2012, 11:47
The Temporary Protection Order is easy to get from the judge. No judge I've ever dealt with has refused a reasonable application, primarily because they dont want to be the one who didn't give out a TPO and the victim gets harmed. The issue will be service of it to the suspect, which needs to happen, so it can be enforced.
PugnacAutMortem
12-28-2012, 12:07
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/102/3/a/English_motherfucker_by_mastertobi.jpg
[ROFL3][LOL][ROFL2]
One of the best lines in the whole movie!
I'll definitely look into the TPO . We are keeping full records of everything and all contact has been in text form that we are keeping , all time stamped. At this point we are hoping he has gotten the point and there will be no further communication. There definitely won't be from our side. If there is then we will inform him of our next action of a RO and go from there. Currently he doesn't know we've made a report and spoken to the police. I have no intention of placing his well being over my family,
PugnacAutMortem
12-28-2012, 13:06
I'll definitely look into the TPO . We are keeping full records of everything and all contact has been in text form that we are keeping , all time stamped. At this point we are hoping he has gotten the point and there will be no further communication. There definitely won't be from our side. If there is then we will inform him of our next action of a RO and go from there. Currently he doesn't know we've made a report and spoken to the police. I have no intention of placing his well being over my family,
Honestly...if you're not legally obligated to inform him you are getting a RO I wouldn't. If he tries to contact again just go get the RO. The old addage is true...actions speak louder than words.
There's been lots of good advice given. Document everything, and the police report was a good idea.
I hate having to change phone numbers because of a dickhead. Try blocking his number first. If he changes his number to get around the block, then you should be able to get a restraining order. Having to change your number that all your friends have is unfair.
The trail camera is a great idea.
Don't tell him you're armed, don't tell him you carry, don't make any threats that would lead him to escalate. If he gets unhinged and decides to show up at the house, you want him there with a baseball bat, not a shotgun.
Keep the doors locked at all times; don't open the door unless you know who's there and it's someone you're expecting.
Especially at this time of year, when it's dark, don't let your wife walk to her car alone after work. Not sure where she works, but get someone in her office to walk her to her car.
It sounds like you've discussed this, but if he shows up in the home, for any reason, draw and aim and tell him to leave. Not for any reason or subterfuge allow him to get close.
If you have a way to get a message to him, I would give him a written warning that any further attempt to contact you or your wife will result in a restraining order. If a restraining order will mess up his job and his life, it's fair to give him a chance. Guys do stupid things and he may need a reality check. Don't compromise your safety to give him one, but give him a chance if you can.
If you have an armed, like-minded buddy that lives nearby, give him the scoop and ask him to be on standby. That way if you see a suspicious car, you don't have to leave the house. Call your buddy and have him do a drive-by/walk-by.
he is from Puerto Rico, how about cutting him some slack?
and he speaks better english then me :D
theGinsue
12-28-2012, 14:02
im just curious...
how did he find her in Colorado?
how did he get her phone number?
does you wife want to be found?
im not implying she does, but how does someone out of her life, get her personal contact information? If she hasnt changed her number since 6 years ago, she needs to. and if she places all her life on facebook, she shouldnt.
if it goes to far, call the police. thats what they are for. if he doesnt respect the police and keeps at it. It seems as you are both potentially prepared for that too.
I've always thought I had exceptional skills in finding people. I found put how much of an amateur I was from an experience I had.
Several years ago while returning from a TDY, I met a woman in a restaurant in the Orlando airport (she was sitting next to me at the counter). In the course of the conversation, I told her my FIRST name and that I was in the Air Force. I must have also told her I was returning to Colorado Springs. She was taking the same flight from Orlando to Denver, but as I recall, she was flying on to Vegas or somewhere in CA. She worked for some insurance company as an auditor/investigator.
During the flight, she walks by my seat and hands me a note; she's attracted to me. I make it clear I'm married. Less than a week later, I got a call at my desk at work - from her. Somehow she tracked me down without me ever telling her my last name or which of the 4 AF bases in the Springs I worked at. After several of these calls, I insisted she stop contacting me.
I didn't hear from her for almost 2 years. In the mean time, I PCS'd to outside of Boston, MA. While there, I created a new eMail address for my Comcast account, but the email account didn't use my actual name. Wouldn't you know it, I started getting eMail from her - she'd found me again. This woman has some seriously mad tracking skills that even the CIA could learn from. After a couple of months, she finally stopped.
Before retiring and leaving MA, I created a new yahoo mail account with a whole new username. I moved back to the Springs and all was good for about 2 years. Then, out of the blue, I hear from her again. She was married now. She sent me links and invites to her webcam to have video chats. I ignored her and finally, she stopped. I haven't heard from her in almost 5 years, but I suspect, if she wanted, she could find me again at any point.
Moral of the story.... Some folks have almost magical abilities for finding people and it always seems to be the nuts.
BPTactical
12-28-2012, 14:03
and he speaks better english then me :D
Jerseynese DOES NOT qualify as English.......
theGinsue
12-28-2012, 14:32
BTW: here's a lin (http://www.x10.com/cameras/index.html#)k to a site that offers a 4 camera surveillance system accessible via tv, web, etc. for just $300. Not the best system, but I have a coworker who bought it and loves it.
Thanks for the heads up . I can put one inside and three out,
lead_magnet
12-28-2012, 14:58
I've always thought I had exceptional skills in finding people. I found put how much of an amateur I was from an experience I had.
Several years ago while returning from a TDY, I met a woman in a restaurant in the Orlando airport (she was sitting next to me at the counter). In the course of the conversation, I told her my FIRST name and that I was in the Air Force. I must have also told her I was returning to Colorado Springs. She was taking the same flight from Orlando to Denver, but as I recall, she was flying on to Vegas or somewhere in CA. She worked for some insurance company as an auditor/investigator.
During the flight, she walks by my seat and hands me a note; she's attracted to me. I make it clear I'm married. Less than a week later, I got a call at my desk at work - from her. Somehow she tracked me down without me ever telling her my last name or which of the 4 AF bases in the Springs I worked at. After several of these calls, I insisted she stop contacting me.
I didn't hear from her for almost 2 years. In the mean time, I PCS'd to outside of Boston, MA. While there, I created a new eMail address for my Comcast account, but the email account didn't use my actual name. Wouldn't you know it, I started getting eMail from her - she'd found me again. This woman has some seriously mad tracking skills that even the CIA could learn from. After a couple of months, she finally stopped.
Before retiring and leaving MA, I created a new yahoo mail account with a whole new username. I moved back to the Springs and all was good for about 2 years. Then, out of the blue, I hear from her again. She was married now. She sent me links and invites to her webcam to have video chats. I ignored her and finally, she stopped. I haven't heard from her in almost 5 years, but I suspect, if she wanted, she could find me again at any point.
Moral of the story.... Some folks have almost magical abilities for finding people and it always seems to be the nuts.
You suck at telling stories, and have left out critical data.
Was she hot?
SuperiorDG
12-28-2012, 15:14
You suck at telling stories, and have left out critical data.
Was she hot?
Yea I bet she was hot like this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yh0AhrY9GjA
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