I also like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bentsight
Printable View
I also like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bentsight
Well?Quote:
Originally Posted by davsel
Miracle cure!Quote:
Originally Posted by Rucker61
Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I've lost an electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive."
Well, we're hosed...
http://www.duffelblog.com/2016/12/to...flective+belts
Devastated.
A very sad day today.
After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
On the way to work this morning, some guys were walking on the side of the road, rucking. Reflective belts location? On their rucks, not visible to the oncoming traffic they were facing as they walked.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
All 3 bases I was stationed at required that on our road marches. Even in air assault school with a 20 mile march starting at 0400 we had to wrap it around our ruck. Though I guess if you wrap it around your waist the ruck covers the back part of it.Quote:
Originally Posted by CavSct1983
Well aware of the soft-safety initiatives... they just make no sense when one is walking against traffic and the reflective portion is on the back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
Tell this joke to someone.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
To get to the idiots house.
Knock knock
who's there
the chicken
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
“What is your name?” – asked the teacher.
“Mohammed”. . . – answered the kid.
“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” – replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” – asked his mother.
“My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny.”
“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you little Johnny"?
“Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs.”
Velocitas, Opprimere,
Violentia Operandi
15 Thoughts For Seniors
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 15 pounds by New Year’s 2017. Good news only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget five others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Daylight Savings Time ended on November 6, 2016. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Lol, taken from one of my FB friends:
Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Litle Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom, and he began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"
That's awesome. Posted to my wife's page sinces she's an ex EMT-P turned labor nurse.Quote:
Originally Posted by RblDiver
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The
wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a
lot to do, she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago,
and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it
at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Stolen from Reddit... https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comme...y_credit_card/
Quote:
Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an ass hole.
With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn't look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don't review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. For ****s sake, it could have been a stolen card.
I started out modest by signing with a line or an "X". Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy ****, drew pictures, etc. Here's a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:
I AM NOT KINGPIN
I STOLE THIS
**** OFF
**** YOU
WALMART SUCKS
CALL ME
CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON
MY BALLS ITCH
911
I'M A CRIMINAL
THANKS FOR THE STUFF
Today I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:
http://i.imgur.com/wwPwR.jpg
Yes, I know, it's not my best artwork, but I didn't have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit "OK", there was a pause. The register then said "COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD." One thought popped in my head: "OH *!" It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my *ty drawing of cock and balls. The lady at the register didn't immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said "These signatures don't match."
At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn't matter. I probably didn't make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words "he drew a penis..." as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I'm out of breath from laughing and I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl.
Manager: Sir, your signature...heh...umm...doesn't match the signature on your card. Kingpin: I know and there is a good reason for that. Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine. The guy behind me bursts into laughter. Kingpin: Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. I've been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it. Manager: I guess you learned your lesson. Kingpin: Yeah, the credit card doesn't accept penis. The guy behind me now can't stop laughing. Manager: OK, I'm going to decline the signature and have you sign it again. Kingpin: Fair enough. Manager: This time, really sign it.
So I had to sign it again and they wouldn't let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had singlehandedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn't let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew cock and balls as his credit card signature.
So I have a plan now. I'm going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my cock and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really **** with them.
It said PENS!
The Pope in Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He hurried over there and found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't go to waste if the bottle broke, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't F*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
ROFL
It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting.
He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless.
Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.
An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, "Whose?"
Hahahaha. GreatQuote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?
You may opt for Medicare Part G.
- The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet.
- You may then shoot one worthless politician.
- This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.
- Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
- As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/defau..._medicareG.jpg
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
Source: Unknown
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends largely on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada, World Health Organisation and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
North American, Australian, South African, New Zealand and British men between 60 and 75 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese…
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM"
A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”
Lol
Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria? Only Targets.
Haha. BaDum-Tsh
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he gets it home it bangs all 150 of the farmer's hens. The farmer is impressed. Later in the afternoon it bangs all 150 of the hens again.
The next day after banging the 150 hens it starts screwing ducks and geese on the farm too.
Later that afternoon the farmer finds the rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard passed out and almost dead with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer looks down at him and says "You deserved it, you horny little bastard."
The rooster opens one eye, points up at the sky and says "Shhhh ... they're about to land!"
Ouch...[facepalm]Quote:
Originally Posted by GilpinGuy
The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the democrat symbol was born!!!
Fact ^^^ haha
Lol TFogger, that's a slight variation on my grandpa's favorite joke. His punchline: "And there have been asses in high places ever since!"
(My mom also tells it describing the rain as "A real gullywasher and trashmover!")
On a flight from LA to Sydney there was this blonde woman sitting in Coach. She got up to go to the bathroom and noticed that there were empty seats in 1st Class so she decided when she finished her business she'd just take one of those empty seats.
Once one of the flight attendants discovered her sitting in the 1st Class seat she said to her "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're going to have to return to your seat in Coach".
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Sydney".
The flight attendant went to the cabin and told the captain that there was a woman that wouldn't return to her seat in coach.
The captain came back and said to the woman "I'm really sorry, but you paid for a Coach seat, not a 1st Class so you're just going to have to return to your seat."
The blonde replied again obstinately, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Sydney".
The captain went back to the cockpit and told the co-pilot to call ahead to Sydney and have the police ready for when they land and he said "You say she's blonde? I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde, let me give it a try."
So the co-pilot went back to the lady, whispered something in her ear and she said "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go back to my seat". She got up and returned to Coach.
The Pilot asked the co-pilot what he said and he replied "I just told her that 1st Class wasn't going to Sydney."
Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work.
Not only that, they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy.
A blonde sees a house on fire, so she dials 911.
Operator: "Hello, what's your emergency?"
Blonde: "There's a house on fire! Send the fire department!"
Operator: "How do we get there?"
Blonde: "Well, DUH! Big red truck! "
Not really a joke, but a comment I saw on a board today and got a chuckle out of:
I once made a comment to my dad about how it's a lot harder for a lady to pee off the side of a boat. He said, "Oh, it's impossible for a lady. But some females can pull it off"