Advice from stepdads...

You've already taken the first step in realizing that a problem was brewing. I generally find honesty is the best policy, especially when you're dealing with young adults who have gone past the point where you could snow them. Is there something all four of you (forget the wife for the moment) enjoy? Whether it's movies, cheeseburgers or shooting? If so, take them out and before you get started, open that barn door. Tell them straight up that you don't want to be that stereotypical crazy stepfather but you love their mother and want to make a go of it. Let them know you have been having trouble adjusting to being a stepfather but you know it and you want their help. The fact the 14 year old was trying to get you in a better mood tells me they don't hate you so they may be happy to help you adjust.

Kids aren't stupid, don't treat them as if they were.

You are compensating for the added stress with alcohol. You used to be a kid once...go back to being a kid! Plus the money you save from NOT purchasing alcohol, can buy you a really nice AR. Or a Harley...

I am the son of a chain smoking alcoholic who is now deceased.

This I have 3 step kids and agree with this 100% It is hard sometimes but you signed uo for it buckle down and take care of business.

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Originally Posted by ray1970

As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.

If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.

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I really think you have two problems but by solving one (alcoholism) you will have a huge step forward with the other.

As a former step-kid and someone who never wants children for reasons previously discussed.. I can tell you this. The kids know you don't like them. You have no idea how much that is fucking with them. The mom, and you are both selfish pricks. You covering your guilt with alcohol is pathetic. You think the kid making a comment about you needing a drink was in jest? Get a clue. Get into a group, get over your need for booze to 'cope' with life. I've never dated a girl with kids, never slept with one.. and I've been called an asshole and selfish for it..but I'm not willing to go that route just to get my dick wet. You don't believe in divorce? Or you just think that would mean you failed? YOU ARE FAILING NOW IN THE EYES OF THOSE KIDS! I promise you your wife feels the stress.. and maybe she is just waiting till she's in a better spot before she serves you with papers for the sake of the kids but don't think for a second she loves you for what you are now. Get your shit together. Get into a program.

I have no sympathy for your drinking. I do have sympathy for the kids. You married into it.. you chose to be in their life and you've done nothing to better it. Be a man, and be an example. Not a statistic. I don't care if you're the reason they have a roof over their head.

I'm not trying to be harsh or a dick (I'm just this way) but I don't sugar coat things. I work with an alcoholic. I can't stand it. You're not functional in the least.. that is an excuse you people tell yourselves. We've tried to help the one at work, but unless you WANT HELP AND ARE WILLING TO PUT FORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT don't waste the time of anyone else for a pity party.

Back to the kids.. They're smarter than you think and they see you for what you are. It will eventually tear the family apart.

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Originally Posted by Monky

As a former step-kid and someone who never wants children for reasons previously discussed.. I can tell you this. The kids know you don't like them. You have no idea how much that is fucking with them. The mom, and you are both selfish pricks. You covering your guilt with alcohol is pathetic. You think the kid making a comment about you needing a drink was in jest? Get a clue. Get into a group, get over your need for booze to 'cope' with life. I've never dated a girl with kids, never slept with one.. and I've been called an asshole and selfish for it..but I'm not willing to go that route just to get my dick wet. You don't believe in divorce? Or you just think that would mean you failed? YOU ARE FAILING NOW IN THE EYES OF THOSE KIDS! I promise you your wife feels the stress.. and maybe she is just waiting till she's in a better spot before she serves you with papers for the sake of the kids but don't think for a second she loves you for what you are now. Get your shit together. Get into a program.

I have no sympathy for your drinking. I do have sympathy for the kids. You married into it.. you chose to be in their life and you've done nothing to better it. Be a man, and be an example. Not a statistic. I don't care if you're the reason they have a roof over their head.

I'm not trying to be harsh or a dick (I'm just this way) but I don't sugar coat things. I work with an alcoholic. I can't stand it. You're not functional in the least.. that is an excuse you people tell yourselves. We've tried to help the one at work, but unless you WANT HELP AND ARE WILLING TO PUT FORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT don't waste the time of anyone else for a pity party.

Back to the kids.. They're smarter than you think and they see you for what you are. It will eventually tear the family apart.

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And that, sir, is the naked and unvarnished truth.

I grew up being a step kid and agree with most of what has been said. You dont have to love them as your own, but they deserve at least a friend out of you. My grandpa, who was my moms step dad was a hell of a man (WW2 vet) and I can tell you he was missed much more then my grandma and real grandpa. He always had time for his step kids and step grand kids. I know what its like to have a step dad thats only there to have a steady piece of ass and not care about anything else.

Definitley fix the alcohol first, and you dont have to be their dad just their friend, make them feel welcome! With mom not bringing in money they are probably constantly worried about being thrown out on the street, worried about your drinking and attitude, its no way for a kid to live, I KNOW.

I've been a step dad for 18 years.
In your post you said you pray about it frequently.
Who are you praying to? Do you have a saving relationship with Jesus?
The reason I'm asking is that decision was all the difference in my life and my relationship with my wife and stepson.

I just got into the stepdad thing myself,the thing is for me they helped me beat my alchoholisim,well put me on the right path anyways.Been sober 5 years because of them.
It definitly isn't easy and it was a shock to me as well but it is a learning experiance,for all as we go along.
If you ever want to talk just shoot me a pm.I'm by no means an expert,but I believe I have a bit of experience ;)

The reason you are pissy is because you are trying to work the responsibilities of children into your previous life style. Things don't go the way you expect, so you get bitchy. Stop kidding yourself and realize that your old life is GONE. You shouldn't be sad about it, because your old life was probably not nearly as cool as you thought it was. Once you realize what your future consists of, and start planning and participating things for ALL of your family, then you will be less pissy. You can't be single and have kids and a wife at the same time. Stop kidding yourself and make the move into the reality YOU created.