Advice from stepdads...

Ok, 3 things here.

First, the alcohol. Get help. Things are never better when alcohol is involved.

Second, Issue between you and the kids. Get counceling. You signed on for this and knew what you were dealing with before hand. AND remember...attitude is a choice. You can *choose* to be grumpy or you can choose to not be grumpy.

Third, it sounds like you are feeling that they (the kids) are cramping your style. Again that is a *choice* and it is based on your view of the cituation. Choose to look at things differently. Get the kids involved in your activities. Use them as an excuse to go do fun things. Go camping as a family event. Take everyone to play paintball. Take everyone to go shooting. Take everyone to waterworld. Take everyone on a cheep trip to the Grand Canyon. Start making life about haveing family fun and less about you being restricted.

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Originally Posted by Dingo

Serious replies only please - this is something I'm honestly concerned about...

Brief synopsis: After 8 years of wild partying, gleefully whoring around and general irresponsible behavior...
blah blah blah
Only thing is, she came with three kids - and I can't stand kids in general...
blah blah blah
I've always been a carefree, live life to the hilt, experience junkie. So adjusting to suburban predictability, stepfatherhood, and being the sole breadwinner (wife's going thru school, and attempting her utmost best to work at the same time, but not bringing in any money to speak of.) is kind of a shock to my system. I find that I'm turning into a functional alcoholic...
blah blah blah
I am finding it difficult to interact with any of the kids nicely without being loaded. . .
blah blah blah
since the situation isn't going to change. I pray about it frequently. . .

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Alright. Here goes: Your wife and her kids deserve better than you.

In your favor, you seem to recognize that you've been acting like a selfish prick and are making noises to the effect that you don't want your kids to hate you later in life and want to do right by them. I don't think you really mean it. I think you want to be congratulated and told that everything will be fine, and when things turn to shit you're going to bail on your responsibility because you're too immature to do the family thing. I think you want to occasionally lie to your wife so you can go out and blow off steam having "fun" when the pressure of being a responsible adult gets too overwhelming for you . . . then you can blame your behavior on her and her kids and pray for forgiveness.

Grow the fuck up and be a man.

It really sounds like you resent your wife and her kids, since they're interfering with your "carefree" lifestyle of booze and whores and are spending all your money. Go back and re-read what I pulled from your post and listen to how it makes you sound.

My Dad was an alcoholic who hated and resented me 6 days out of the week, and on the 7th day would feel bad about it and try to "make amends." I hated his fucking guts and enlisted in the Army at 17 to put as much distance between us as possible.

I ended up marrying a lady who had a kid from a prior marriage. He was 8 when I met her and willful and spoiled. I raised him as my own and treated him the way I would've wanted to been treated. Now he works in law enforcement in NY and we're still best friends.

I used to drink too. On occasion it started to become a problem. I quit three times before I got to the point that I no longer felt I "needed" a drink to deal with my feelings. If you "need" to drink, that is a clear sign it's time to quit.

Good luck to you in your attempt to be a man and do the right thing. I hope you're up to it.

Dingo, lots of solid advice in this thread. I hope you take some of it. I don't have anything to add that already hasn't been said other than to recomend you read the book "smart stepfamily" by Ron Deal. It helped my stepfamily and my marriage a lot.

My parents divorced when I was ten and both remarried a couple years later. My step dad turned out to be the best example of a man and a dad I have ever seen. We had a little trouble at first but my grandpa(my dads dad) gave me some good advice. He said that I did not have to like my step dad but I did have to respect him and my mom. Told me as long as he treated me well and I gave him the respect he earned and deserved, things would get better and turn out well. I listened and realized it was harder for my step dad than it was for me. We both tried and have been very close for over 30 yrs.

I was much like dingo when I met and fell in love with my wife. Even delayed thoughts of marriage due to her three kids who were teenagers and a handful. We finally married and when I hit tough patches with the kids I have always gone back to that advice of mutual respect and it has helped me to develop long lasting relationships with all the kids. They have each come to me and thanked me for being the dad that their biological dad never was.

You get straight in your own head and go be the dad they deserve and your wife deserves. It ain't about you, you gave up "you" when you married "them". It sure as hell ain't easy, but it is what you took on. Success will give you the greatest satisfaction you have known. It certainly has been for me.

When I became a stepdad, my stepson became mine....100%. That's the only way to do it. I did drink alot through his childhood, not to cope with him, I just drank too much. Now that he is older I realize the things I failed to do with and teach him. He struggles as he enters the real world and it makes me feel like shit to know I coulda taught him more if I wasn't so fucked up.

Straighten up or get out of their lives.....you owe them that much!!

I question your wife too for taking you after your admittance of not being a kid guy.

Best of luck to you and your family (that IS what you have now).

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Originally Posted by ray1970

As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.

If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.

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this ^^^^^^^^^

i am not a step dad, i have four of my own and plan to be around to raise them myself.

i was however raised by a stepdad because my own wasn't around, not that i blame him completely,
you chose it, you knew what you were getting into before hand,
I spent plenty of my days drinking and raising hell when i was younger, time to grow up and become a role model. you don't have the right to come in and make their lives worse. you took on the job now own it and do the job.

my stepdad and i had plenty of fights and i did not like even like him at the time. i have come to realize, now that he is gone, that although we did not get along at least he was willing to try and be a dad. his misguided attempts to discipline were more than my dad did for me.

put down the beer and start doing the right thing. my kids have seen me drink a beer or margarita, they have never seen me drunk.

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Originally Posted by ray1970

As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.

If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.

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Exactly! You married a family. Accept the responsibility. Another thing.....you constantly refer to them as someone else's kids or her kids. If you're serious about this, start thinking of them as YOUR kids. Mean it and love them. Sounds like mom did a good job and they are good kids. Now do your part. Good luck with your decision.

Jeez. Hopefully you anticipated some of the emotionally-charged responses to this subject and don't take it too personally. I don't have any relevant experience and you've certainly been chastised enough, so I'll keep it succinct. To quote the late, great Shannon Hoon: "When life is hard, you have to change." Good luck.

Eh, I expected this would touch off a few tempers based on people's own upbringings. I've got thick skin - I respect honesty more than anything else, so I'm not resentful. I think some of it was good for me to hear. I may not be a full-blown, can't-live-without-booze alcoholic, but I realized after that incident with the kid offering me a drink, that it's pathetic to use alcohol as a crutch like I do. Maybe I should elaborate a bit on my original post - it's true, I can't stand kids of any age, but I don't feel that way about these three. Even though I was still in a frat-boy mentality when I married her, I made a promise to her and to myself that I would never make the kids feel unwanted, or like they were somehow "getting in the way". I didn't want to drive a wedge between her and them. And she did do a damn good job of raising them, in my opinion. I think all things considered, I have a pretty good relationship with them. The elder two are from a different dad, and they've attached themselves to me early on. I help them with homework, play catch, hound them about chores, explain/debate news stories, take the boy shooting (yes, sober... don't everybody all freak out at once), and am getting a jumpstart on driving with the 14 y/o (again... yes, sober). All the typical stuff. The younger one has a dad that's still very active in his life, and pretty much is indifferent toward me.

I'm not a strict disciplinarian (except that they show me, their mom, and each other respect in all situations), and I've told them that basically all I expect is that they follow the same rules that their mom has established, even when it's only me around. My only cardinal rules are to be quiet when I'm sleeping (I work weekend nights), and to stay out of my man cave (except on special occasions where we order pizza and play pool). My failing isn't in my relationship with them - it's in my current poor example as a role model. I've already made the decision to stop drinking this coming week. That part won't be particularly difficult for me - like I said, I don't have an addictive personality. My struggle is that while I know that I have a new role to fill now, the old life is hard not to miss a lot of the time. I know what I'm like when I get around other women and start drinking, so I've self-limited my social contact to hanging out with my brothers. So essentially with her in school, I've become Dad, Mom, chef, principal, maid, and butler. And adding the financial stress in on top of that, it's hard not to look back on the carefree days with some longing. When the resentment and irritation builds, alcohol has been an immediate fix. It's just gotten out of hand. Without that, I'm going to need something that helps me get in the mindset of enjoying being all those things.

I already have an active relationship with them, and do things that a "normal" dad would. What I'm looking for advice on, is how some of the "successful" stepdads out there have mentally made the transition into deriving enjoyment from the situation, and for lack of a better term, "growing up". While I appreciate that lots of folks out there had stepdads that sucked, telling me to "just do it" is not helpful. If it were that simple, I would have done it already. And to answer a previous poster, yes, I am a Christian, albeit a checkered example as my previous post showed. That's simultaneously where I believe my conviction on becoming a good role model is coming from, and also where I'm going to have to draw strength and inspiration from as I struggle to acheive that.

As much as I hate to say this, but if you have ask "how do I grow up " you aren't ready yet.