Joke of the Day

The Dark Side of Women

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

I tried searching for this thread, but could never find it. Thanks for bringing it up again!

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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A man sat around one afternoon in his later years just pondering life.

After awhile he walked in and announced to his wife of 70 years,

I have remembered many things from our life,

but I can't for the life of me remember one time you have said something

That made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

Wife says that's easy, Your dick is way bigger than your brothers

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!"

A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.

The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.

The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.

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Originally Posted by Ah Pook

A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.

The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.

The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.

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So the Navy man tastes his own dick every time he bites his nails and put's food in his mouth?? How is this better??? [Tooth]

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Originally Posted by DSB OUTDOORS

So the Navy man tastes his own dick every time he bites his nails and put's food in his mouth?? How is this better??? [Tooth]

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Familiarity...

[ROFL1]

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Originally Posted by Byte Stryke

Familiarity...

[ROFL1]

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Nope!! Marines rejected me because I had too may broken bones and would'nt pass the psyical. And did'nt want to go into the Army or Navy. But I always trust my dear Mudder!! Always wash after going Potty!! [Tooth]
I know you're teaching you're son that. Right?? [Beer]

A salt old sea-dog walks into a bar with a ships wheel around his penis.

Bartender says, 'Doesn't having that big wooden wheel there bother you?'

Sailor says 'Aye! It's driving me nuts!'

Husband comes home from work to find his wife laying on the bed naked.
She is laying there rubbing her naughty spot and says, "Oh honey, make me feel like a woman."
Husband so, "OK".
He quickly takes off all his clothes, balls them up, and tosses them on top of her.
"Here, go do my laundry".

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?

A: I cry when I cut up an onion.

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab asks, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," comes the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab says. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself –– I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and say "It's hot in here". The second muffin responds "Holy Jesus, a talking muffin!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lead_magnet

Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?

A: I cry when I cut up an onion.

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You almost made me pee myself.

Joke of the Day: Nancy Pelosi is a saint


One hot Saturday afternoon in July an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
http://cdn.ihatethemedia.com/wp-cont...1121372830.jpg
"...and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint."

“No,” the Cardinal replied. “I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As Pelosi’s aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
At the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
“While Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some,” the Cardinal said to the congregation, “the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flipflop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nitwit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”
“But when compared to President Obama,” the Cardinal concluded, “Pelosi is a saint.”

So the Obama family are at a baseball game getting ready for it to start when one of the President's Secret Service agents leans over and whispers into the President's ear.

After hearing what the agent says, BHO vehemently shakes his head in protest. To this the agent replies, "with all due respect sir, I think the fans and participants would all get a real thrill out of it." "Everyone on the teams, from the batboys all the way to the managers have said they would like for you to do it, and the fans would definitely approve as well."

BHO replies, "well ok, I guess." He then proceeds to stand up, walk over to Michelle, grab her by the collar and the belt and toss her unceremoniously over the rail onto the field. She is stunned and obviously upset, but everyone in the stands and the dugouts begins cheering and hooting and seems to think it was grand...

BHO waves to the crowd and heads back to his seat, where he finds his secret service agent pale and looking stunned.

The agent says, "but sir, I said everyone thought you should throw out the first PITCH!"

The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.


Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal More than Vonn because no one has ever gone Downhill faster than he has.

You could hear a pin drop (sorry for the length)

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Condi Rice was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. She answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American.. During a break, one of the
French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies
and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True Story:
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have Been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was Here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your Passports on arrival in France !' The American Senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

FROM A BEWILDERED TEXAS RANCHER... While riding down along the border around 8 this morning,
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the
law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office andthe Federal Department of Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Thanksgiving 2022
"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband.
"In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered.
Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington .
Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world", Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be.
Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting. Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in.
It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey . Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce, and mincemeat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey.
And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020, to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.
Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold.
Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family.
Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment.
He had had many heated conversations with the
Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program.
And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.
"The RHC's resources are limited", explained the
government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."
Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines - for everyone but government officials.
The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in.
Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion.
No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids.
Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists."
Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022.
That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved.
Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine.
Almost.
The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact.
"A living Constitution is extremely flexible", said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example", she added.
Winston's thoughts turned to his own children.
He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner.
Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford.
She whined for a week, but got over it.
His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism, or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner", but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being.
Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13.
The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth."
This time, they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.
Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.
At least, he had his memories.
He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential.
Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.
He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2011 , when all the real nonsense began.
"Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.
Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.

A husband and wife are having issues with intimacy in their marriage. A happily married couple with two children they go to a doctor to see what's wrong. Turns out the husband has a decreased libido so the doctor prescribes a pill that will help the husband out. He tells the wife "Only put one of these in his meal at dinner, no more."
That night the wife puts a pill into his food and they have the best sex ever. She is so pleased that the following night she puts five in and it's even better sex. The third night she puts half the bottle into his food thinking she's going to need a few days off to recover from the best sex she will ever have. The next morning the police show up because of a noise complaint. The eight year old son answers the door crying.
"What's wrong?" asks one of the cops.
"Well, my mom's dead, my sister is bleeding from nearly every hole in her body, my ass hurts and my dad is chasing the dog around the house."

Doc: "Do you wear Shorts or Briefs?"

Patient: "Depends!"

[Beer]

This isn't really a joke, but I thought it was funny...

http://www.channel3000.com/news/28679842/detail.html

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Police in Iowa say a woman was assaulted with a bratwurst Monday night after refusing to fight with a homeless woman.

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I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.
I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance..

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

Thought this one was pretty good...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified To discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after Death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up..' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Obama says, "Yes please"! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and says: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.
'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,'An, ID ten T error ?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.
'Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.
So I wrote down:ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little shit


</SPAN>

ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mcantar18c

ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]

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In my job in the Air Force, the nomenclature for the portable radios we use start with PRC (Portable Radio Communications, pronounced "prick"), i.e. PRC-117, PRC-148, PRC152, etc. So whenever we get new guys, we'll send them to the Senior or Chief's office to ask if there's a PRC-E7 or PRC-E8 in there... [ROFL1]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sharpienads

In my job in the Air Force, the nomenclature for the portable radios we use start with PRC (Portable Radio Communications, pronounced "prick"), i.e. PRC-117, PRC-148, PRC152, etc. So whenever we get new guys, we'll send them to the Senior or Chief's office to ask if there's a PRC-E7 or PRC-E8 in there... [ROFL1]

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[ROFL1] Nice!
I know a lot of the current and former service members here will appreciate this one:

A young PV2 fresh out of basic is riding a train home. In the same room as him are an old woman, a young, attractive college aged girl, and an older 1SG. The train goes through a tunnel and it goes completely dark for almost half a minute. In the darkness there is the sound of a kiss then a loud *Slap!* When the train exits the tunnel the 1SG is holding his cheek and everyone is left with their thoughts.
'Serves that man right for trying to kiss that young girl,' thinks the old woman.
'Who would want to actually kiss that old bag?' thinks the young girl.
'Was that just a case of mistaken identity?' the 1SG thinks.
Then the PV2 thinks, 'Hahaha! I can kiss my hand and slap a 1SG and no one knows any better!' [LOL]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mcantar18c

ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]

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Being Armor we would try to get the new guys to check for soft spots on the armor with ball peen hammer.

Letter recently sent from the Reagan family to would-be Presidential assassin John Hinkley (I lived behind his parents growing up):
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.. In our fine country’s spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

*LITTLE GIRL ON AN AIRPLANE*

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an
airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to
talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,little
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to
talk about?"

“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why
there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no
idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven
or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by n8tive97

*LITTLE GIRL ON AN AIRPLANE*

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I just posted that one on the last page... probably one of my favorites [ROFL1]


The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mcantar18c

I just posted that one on the last page... probably one of my favorites [ROFL1]


The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.

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Sorry.... I will use that the next time I get that challenge from an atheist.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by n8tive97

Sorry.... I will use that the next time I get that challenge from an atheist.

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As will I... no worries, it was good to read it again.

A southern West Virginia preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mcantar18c

ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]

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"All right, Airborne, I need you to head down to supply and get me a coil of flight line, a bucket of prop wash, an M203 blank adapter, a set of Humvee spark plugs, and a Mk 19 spare barrel."

Good times, good times...

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work !!!!!!" [ROFL1]