On the recent earthquake in DC....
That wasn't an earthquake. It was our Founders rolling over.
It was the CHANGE hitting the fan.
Since this East Coast fault line has no name, we're gonna call it Bush's Fault.
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On the recent earthquake in DC....
That wasn't an earthquake. It was our Founders rolling over.
It was the CHANGE hitting the fan.
Since this East Coast fault line has no name, we're gonna call it Bush's Fault.
Don't forget riser greaseQuote:
Originally Posted by AirbornePathogen
As a bunch of paratroopers were boarding my C-130...
One of them shouted...
"Airborne... till death do us part!"
I responded...
"That can be arranged!"
No further comments...
Soon, I had the plane all to myself...
[Beer]
A man goes into Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady at the service counter . . .
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."
So this baby seal walks into a club... Okay, I know that was just wrong!!!
[ROFL1] Funny regardless... terrible, but funny!Quote:
Originally Posted by Graves
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
So a new prison inmate is in the "yard" with several of the other inmates when he's asked the obvious question: So, what'd you do to end up in here?"
The new inmate responds "Nothing, I just wanted to move to a new place with lots of bars nearby."
A fish swims into a concrete wall and says, "Dam."
A baby seal walks into a club
Another one?Quote:
Originally Posted by DANGERTASTIC!
apparently baby seals are dumbQuote:
Originally Posted by Bailey Guns
A new truck driver is rolling down the highway when he feels a bump. He pulls over and checks his rig, then calls into dispatch. "I have hit a pig and he is stuck under my truck. What shall I do?"
Dispatch tells him to throw the pig into the trailer and bring it in so they can decide what to do.
He then asks, "What shall I do with his motorcycle???"
I saw that one comming! [ROFL1] Thats Bad! But I like it. [LOL]
Fake. No truck driver uses the word "shall."
You never heard them say "I need to gas up."Quote:
Originally Posted by Irving
"Are you going to conaco?"
"Nope Shall."
[Beer]
Haha!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the front door??
........Matt.
and if he's hanging on the wall???????Quote:
Originally Posted by TriggerHappy
Art
or in the ocean?
Bob
kinda funny.
Resurrecting this one...we need more light stuff.
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxx
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is atthe Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates areclosed,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,it is certainly good to see you.. We have heard a lot about you. I musttell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have beenadministeringan entrance examination to everyone. The test is short, but you have topass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure isgood to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about anyentranceexam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.Life was a big enough testas it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, Iknow, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:What two days of the weekbegin with the letter T?
Second:How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questionsover. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, andsays, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, thefirst one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide andhe exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you dohave a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you creditfor that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk aboutthat, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve secondsin a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there'sgot to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to giveyou credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and finalquestion.Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperatedand frustrated St Peter.'Ok, I can understand how youcame up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiestone of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,to get some humor out of life,and to pass it on to other folks.
henpecked, that was a good one, except it would appear if not yours, then whoever you got that from doesn't have a very functional space bar.
copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7GTUBckZMP...ammar-Nazi.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by henpecked
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,
she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
A guy and his new wife walks into a Hotel and asks for the honeymoon suite. The guy at the front desk takes care of them and they are on their way up to the room. No more than 10 minutes later the guy comes down wearing fishing waders, fishing vest and a pole. The guy at the front desk stops him "hey its your honeymoon you should be up there getting busy!!" ......."Well I would love to but my wife has Gonorrhea" ...Wow!! " Well what about a blow Job?? ........"That would be awesome but she also has Pyorrhea"........."Holy Shit..Well at least you could get her in the ass"........" Yea well she suffers from chronic Diarrhea" Good God!!!!!!!!!! " Gonorrhea?? Pyorrhea and Diarrhea???? Excuse me for asking this but why the HELL did you marry her?? .........Well she also has worms and I LOVE to fish!!!!
In 1202 A.D. Muslims invented the first condom by using the last few inches of a goat's intestine.
By 1487 A.D. the British started removing it from the goat it first.
Got this in an email today:
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
From my son, (Dad put this on the forum):
How do you make a tissue dance???
Put a little boogie in it..........
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey...Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronin13
You know why a woman's work is never done?
Because she doesn't get up early enough.
What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
hear about those 2 gay irishmen.
Michael Fitzpatrick
and
Patrick Fitzmachael
What;s light brown and floats?
Natalie Wood
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
Quote:
Originally Posted by henpecked
Ha! Nice.
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home, I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, boy. Would you be interested in a trade, sex for ammo?"
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just what kind of ammo do you have to trade?"
Sorry, I stole this from another forum, but I had a good laugh and thought I would pass it on.
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
Haha definitely! Furthermore, if I wanted to barter for sex, things like cash, gold, silver, plutonium, and many other items are much easier to come by at this time...Quote:
Originally Posted by soldier-of-the-apocalypse
Quote:
Originally Posted by soldier-of-the-apocalypse
[ROFL2]
Quote:
Originally Posted by soldier-of-the-apocalypse
Damn that is funny!