Sister in law punched wife-options?

Printable View

08-10-2012, 21:59
josh7328

Sister in law punched wife-options?

My sister in law is mentally unstable, and has been in and out of institutions for a long time. Last night she decided to randomly PUNCH MY WIFE IN THE MOUTH in the middle of a restaraunt, in front of my daughter. She's 17 or 18 and her spineless parents said NOTHING at all to her. This is not the first time this has happened. I am in Afghanistan, so I am limited in what I can do. I want to file a restraining order on the bitch or something. I refuse to let my wife and daughter to be exposed to that garbage. I sure wish my wife had pressed charges on the spot, but she didn't. [Bang] What options do I have?
08-10-2012, 22:00
Wiggity

I'd talk to your brother and tell him he needs to keep his wife under control because next time you are calling the police
08-10-2012, 22:01
cstone

What does your wife want to come from this? Does she want a continued relationship with your SIL?
08-10-2012, 22:01
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wiggity

I'd talk to your brother and tell him he needs to keep his wife under control because next time you are calling the police

Brother? I don't have a brother. what?
08-10-2012, 22:01
J

Not much. Unfortunately unless your wife is rendered unable or unfit to file charges herself, she must file them, and there is nothing you can do besides try to convince your wife, and/or help her through it if she refuse.
08-10-2012, 22:02
J

Quote:

Originally Posted by josh7328

Brother? I don't have a brother. what?

He assumed it was your brothers wife. Instead it is your wife's sister. Both are sister in laws, just in opposite sides.
08-10-2012, 22:04
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by cstone

What does your wife want to come from this? Does she want a continued relationship with your SIL?

No. She already told me that she doesn't. And I sure as hell won't have some young punk running around laying hands on my family. I've never hit a woman, but I worry about what might happen if I see her hit my wife.

The thing is, that her parents will still bring her around, despite our wishes. I feel like the only way to prevent that is with legal action.
08-10-2012, 22:05
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jayock

He assumed it was your brothers wife. Instead it is your wife's sister. Both are sister in laws, just in opposite sides.

oh. gotcha
08-10-2012, 22:06
bogie

I feel for you man especially since you're so far away and can't deal with it. You can try to convince her to file charges but she might hate you for it in the long run. It's $hitty but sometimes the way it works (I'm assuming they are sisters?).
08-10-2012, 22:08
sneakerd

Easier said than done, but you probably need to totally disassociate your family from the sis-in-law. Call this last one a freebie, the only one, and never go out with her again. Obviously, ya'll need to be very conscious of the possibility, and stay out of range and/or on guard at all times if family business forces contact.
08-10-2012, 22:09
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by bogie

I feel for you man especially since you're so far away and can't deal with it. You can try to convince her to file charges but she might hate you for it in the long run. It's $hitty but sometimes the way it works (I'm assuming they are sisters?).

Yeah. My wife's younger sister hit my wife.
08-10-2012, 22:10
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by sneakerd

Easier said than done, but you probably need to totally disassociate your family from the sis-in-law. Call this last one a freebie, the only one, and never go out with her again. Obviously, ya'll need to be very conscious of the possibility, and stay out of range and/or on guard at all times if family business forces contact.

second time since I deployed that this happened. I just wish I could do something to protect my family from here.
08-10-2012, 22:16
cstone

Quote:

Originally Posted by josh7328

No. She already told me that she doesn't. And I sure as hell won't have some young punk running around laying hands on my family. I've never hit a woman, but I worry about what might happen if I see her hit my wife.

The thing is, that her parents will still bring her around, despite our wishes. I feel like the only way to prevent that is with legal action.

Without getting too deep into your SIL's medical issues, are there triggers for her aggression? Are her outbursts completely without warning or can people who know her well kind of see her behavior deteriorate? Many times these behaviors have situational triggers or can be related to medication related issues (too much or too little, missing doses, etc...)

If your wife tells the family that she is not welcome in the home, will they respect your wife's wishes? Making this a legal issue without exhausting the possible internal family options may be counter productive. Obviously the safety of your wife and immediate family members is paramount, but as long as you and your wife want to maintain a relationship with your SIL, you will always have to deal with the potential for her aggressive outbursts.

Family stuff can be messy. I hope your wife wasn't seriously injured and she takes precautions to prevent further violence against her and other family members. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you. It is yet one more sacrifice you and your family are making for us. Thank you for your service.

Be safe.
08-10-2012, 22:33
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by cstone

Without getting too deep into your SIL's medical issues, are there triggers for her aggression? Are her outbursts completely without warning or can people who know her well kind of see her behavior deteriorate? Many times these behaviors have situational triggers or can be related to medication related issues (too much or too little, missing doses, etc...)

If your wife tells the family that she is not welcome in the home, will they respect your wife's wishes? Making this a legal issue without exhausting the possible internal family options may be counter productive. Obviously the safety of your wife and immediate family members is paramount, but as long as you and your wife want to maintain a relationship with your SIL, you will always have to deal with the potential for her aggressive outbursts.

Family stuff can be messy. I hope your wife wasn't seriously injured and she takes precautions to prevent further violence against her and other family members. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you. It is yet one more sacrifice you and your family are making for us. Thank you for your service.

Be safe.

Nope, her outbursts are pretty random. I know, without a doubt, that even if my wife tells her family that her sister is not welcome around us, they won't care. My wife is living just a few minutes from them, and that's where the problem is going to be.
08-10-2012, 22:44
T-Giv

Has she been actually diagnosed with mental health issues? Is she on medication for them? You could always call CSPD and if they evaluate her actions and determine that they have probable cause they can put her on a mental health hold. That way she would A) Be separated from causing problems for up to a few days and B) She could potentially get some help/medication for whatever is going on with her. Just a thought.
08-10-2012, 22:46
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-Giv

Has she been actually diagnosed with mental health issues? Is she on medication for them? You could always call CSPD and if they evaluate her actions and determine that they have probable cause they can put her on a mental health hold. That way she would A) Be separated from causing problems for up to a few days and B) She could potentially get some help/medication for whatever is going on with her. Just a thought.

yeah, she's diagnosed with all sorts of shit. They're in the Dallas area. I'll have to see if their local PD can do something similar.
08-10-2012, 22:49
spqrzilla

This is a tough topic, because our current laws don't let us commit people who are out of control, these things end up by default in the criminal justice system.

You need to get your wife on the same page as yourself. It can't be true that your parents-in-law are ignoring your wishes, your wife must be undermining the message of not bringing the sister with them.
08-10-2012, 23:00
Troublco

That's pretty damn disrespectful of her parents, to not do anything or (it sounds like) even acknowledge that there's a problem. Worse, since your daughter is exposed to it. We have some similar issues with my son (he's high functioning autistic) but with him there are, as mentioned by cstone, triggers so we can see it coming and usually head it off.

It sounds to me like the best thing to do overall, and probably a hard one for your wife, would be to make it clear to the in-laws that your sister-in-law is not allowed in proximity to your wife and daughter...and since they have proven that they will not respect those wishes, neither are they until they can either respect them or get a handle on the daughter in question. Mental issues or not, this is a question of safety, both physical and psychological for both your wife and daughter. It sucks that the end result, at least temporarily, is that your wife wouldn't see her folks and your daughter wouldn't see her grandparents for a while, but maybe they would finally understand how important the situation is. I can understand how your wife could be reluctant to do this; but it isn't just her...your daughter is involved too. If they won't do anything about the problem, then don't let them near. If they come over, don't answer the door. That sort of thing.

I had to put my foot down with my mother regarding my daughter when she wouldn't respect our wishes (hell, requirements) about what she fed my daughter when she'd watch her and some related issues...my daughter was a preemie and had certain issues that my mother blithely ignored, convinced she knew better than we did. We had a huge blowout, and it ended with her screaming at me that "I couldn't tell her what to do with her granddaughter"...uh,....WRONG. I told her she could see her again, and MAYBE start caring for her again, when she would respect our wishes, and why. Took 6 months. But it was worth it to prevent something worse from happening. Had issues with my MIL involving her worthless (and now late) husband, my wife's stepfather. Same thing, we had to limit her contact with the kids to only when we were with them, and outright ban any contact they had with him. She whined and bitched and finally, listened. But, she's a whole 'nother story.

I know from experience how frustrating things like this can be, and while you're deployed (I am, too) it makes them that much harder.

Stay safe.
08-10-2012, 23:07
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by Troublco

That's pretty damn disrespectful of her parents, to not do anything or (it sounds like) even acknowledge that there's a problem. Worse, since your daughter is exposed to it. We have some similar issues with my son (he's high functioning autistic) but with him there are, as mentioned by cstone, triggers so we can see it coming and usually head it off.

It sounds to me like the best thing to do overall, and probably a hard one for your wife, would be to make it clear to the in-laws that your sister-in-law is not allowed in proximity to your wife and daughter...and since they have proven that they will not respect those wishes, neither are they until they can either respect them or get a handle on the daughter in question. Mental issues or not, this is a question of safety, both physical and psychological for both your wife and daughter. It sucks that the end result, at least temporarily, is that your wife wouldn't see her folks and your daughter wouldn't see her grandparents for a while, but maybe they would finally understand how important the situation is. I can understand how your wife could be reluctant to do this; but it isn't just her...your daughter is involved too. If they won't do anything about the problem, then don't let them near. If they come over, don't answer the door. That sort of thing.

I had to put my foot down with my mother regarding my daughter when she wouldn't respect our wishes (hell, requirements) about what she fed my daughter when she'd watch her and some related issues...my daughter was a preemie and had certain issues that my mother blithely ignored, convinced she knew better than we did. We had a huge blowout, and it ended with her screaming at me that "I couldn't tell her what to do with her granddaughter"...uh,....WRONG. I told her she could see her again, and MAYBE start caring for her again, when she would respect our wishes, and why. Took 6 months. But it was worth it to prevent something worse from happening.

I know from experience how frustrating things like this can be, and while you're deployed (I am, too, right now) it makes them that much harder.

Stay safe.

Thanks. I forwarded this advice to my wife. You nailed it right on the head. Her parents ignore problems and act like they don't even exist.
08-10-2012, 23:10
SA Friday

It's pretty simple to me, but I know it will be harder for your wife. She has to cut off her sister completely and if her parents will not respect her wishes, they have to be cut off completely also. It's the only thing that works, but it's going to HAVE to be your wife that drops the hammer on it.
08-10-2012, 23:11
TheBelly

Quote:

Originally Posted by josh7328

My sister in law is mentally unstable, and has been in and out of institutions for a long time. Last night she decided to randomly PUNCH MY WIFE IN THE MOUTH in the middle of a restaraunt, in front of my daughter. She's 17 or 18 and her spineless parents said NOTHING at all to her. This is not the first time this has happened. I am in Afghanistan, so I am limited in what I can do. I want to file a restraining order on the bitch or something. I refuse to let my wife and daughter to be exposed to that garbage. I sure wish my wife had pressed charges on the spot, but she didn't. [Bang] What options do I have?

Josh.... what in the H is your SIL thinking?

If I can help, give a holler.
08-10-2012, 23:13
sniper7

I would take your your in laws. express your concerns and let them know you will not have this and if it happens again you will be pressing charges and have her ass thrown in jail.

Also explain to you wife that this is abuse. this isn't like when they were kids and fought. The example for your daughter is the biggest issue.
08-10-2012, 23:54
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by sniper7

The example for your daughter is the biggest issue.

This. This is the only reason that I'm glad my wife didn't smash her head in with a chair or something. And you're exactly right. this isn't like when they fought as kids.
08-10-2012, 23:58
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBelly

Josh.... what in the H is your SIL thinking?

If I can help, give a holler.

I don't know sir. She's the product of being raised with zero discipline. She doesn't make the connection between actions and consequences. Her parents screwed up by blaming all of her misbehavior on her problems and neglecting to provide necessary discipline. They spared the rod, and it DEFINATELY spoiled the child.
08-11-2012, 07:09
funkymonkey1111

Quote:

Originally Posted by SA Friday

It's pretty simple to me, but I know it will be harder for your wife. She has to cut off her sister completely and if her parents will not respect her wishes, they have to be cut off completely also. It's the only thing that works, but it's going to HAVE to be your wife that drops the hammer on it.

This is where its going to have to come from. You said this wasn't the first time--it's a little unclear if your wife had stated she didn't want to be around the sister, but if she had, then why was she in the restaurant?

If I'm misunderstanding this, sorry--but you aren't going to be stopping this from Afghanistan--your wife is going to have to draw the line and make it stick for the sake of your daughter. If she allows any further contact then the consequences are on her.

Sorry to hear all this--this sounds like a messy situation that's not going to have a pleasant ending.
08-11-2012, 07:44
Pancho Villa

Tell your wife to talk to her parents, and tell her that she can't tolerate those sorts of outbursts and so to not bring the sister along. Period. As in, if she comes along, turn 180 degrees and walk away sort of thing.

You don't need to be hostile about it, neither does she. But you do need to set some firm boundaries and make sure that the parents know to respect her wishes. No one ought to be out in a social situation wondering if they're going to be assaulted.
08-11-2012, 07:51
ChadAmberg

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pancho Villa

Tell your wife to talk to her parents, and tell her that she can't tolerate those sorts of outbursts and so to not bring the sister along. Period. As in, if she comes along, turn 180 degrees and walk away sort of thing.

You don't need to be hostile about it, neither does she. But you do need to set some firm boundaries and make sure that the parents know to respect her wishes. No one ought to be out in a social situation wondering if they're going to be assaulted.

This. Once or twice going to see the parents in a restaurant, and when they see your wife turn around, get in the car, and leave, they should get the hint.

It's very difficult. I know, my wife hasn't spoken to her parents since the late 90s. No contact at all. It's for the best, their pictures should be hung next to Hitler, Mao, and Stalin, but it still hurts her every single day. The alternative is worse some times though.
08-11-2012, 08:18
00tec

I'd get my wife a taser, but that's just me.
08-11-2012, 13:25
Clint45

Quote:

Originally Posted by SA Friday

It's pretty simple to me, but I know it will be harder for your wife. She has to cut off her sister completely and if her parents will not respect her wishes, they have to be cut off completely also. It's the only thing that works, but it's going to HAVE to be your wife that drops the hammer on it.

I agree with this ^ 100%.

I hope your wife has reliable, non-dysfunctional friends in the area aside from her family to give her support. She is probably used to being pushed around and bullied by her family and will be extremely reluctant to cut them out of her life. I am so sorry you are dealing with this bullshit on a deployment. This may need to wait until you get back to deal with properly, but by then hopefully she'll be in full agreement that cutting off contact with her family is the right thing to do.
08-11-2012, 20:29
Irving

Didn't read the whole thread, but basically what SAFriday said. We've had to do something similar.
08-11-2012, 20:34
RobertB

Irving's really maturing and strengthening as a person. Not long ago, he was too embarrassed to talk about how his little sister would beat him up all the time. Stay strong, brother Stu!
08-11-2012, 22:32
lpgasman

Not trying to be a Dick, but if I was a million miles away from home and that happened to my wife, I would tell her to stay away from her sister and parents, and if she didnt want to, I would tell her not to tell me when it happens and let her deal with what ever she gets. But with your kid that's another story, your wife is as bad as them continuing to let your kid be exposed to that sort of abuse. Just my .02
08-12-2012, 00:46
josh7328

My wife cut them off.
08-12-2012, 00:59
cstone

Quote:

Originally Posted by josh7328

My wife cut them off.

That will be hard for her. Even crappy family are still family. Good thing she has you and you will be coming home to her.

Be safe. Nothing in that place worth a drop of your blood.
08-12-2012, 01:02
josh7328

Quote:

Originally Posted by cstone

That will be hard for her. Even crappy family are still family. Good thing she has you and you will be coming home to her.

Be safe. Nothing in that place worth a drop of your blood.

For sure man, but I cut my thumb on the DFAC crab legs last night, so I guess there's SOMETHING worth my blood here. They were delish.
08-12-2012, 01:10
Irving

She did the right thing, but as Cstone has said, family are the hardest people to cut off. Expect long periods of zero contact, then some tentative visits, then when things are relaxed the drama will start all over again. Expect this to be the established cycle from now on.
08-12-2012, 03:00
Troublco

I agree, as hard as it is to do sometimes it's the best, and only, real option. Hopefully they will come to realize (sooner, rather than later) that it's the result of a serious problem and will at least start trying to come up with a real solution. I hope it works out for you guys.

Enjoy the crab legs. DFAC chow is way better than what we get here; there are so few of us we have to deal with local food, although our cook has been trying to make things we like. If you don't watch how they make it and what from, some of it's edible. The rest of the time, we live on food that we bring back from the 1-2 trips a month that land us somewhere with a real Commissary. Frosted Flakes, oatmeal, Uncle Ben's Ready Rice packs, and hot dogs. Wow, I can't believe I miss DFAC food...[ROFL1]