Joke of the Day

[davsel]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’

The little boy nodded ‘yes’.

‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?’

The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?’

The little boy shook his head ‘NO’.

‘GOOD’, said the coach.

‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.’

[stodg73]

What is the longest and the shortest sentence in the English language?
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"I do."

[copfish]

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud? "I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born? "I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[davsel]

Why Old Men don’t get hired.

Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”

Old Man : “My honesty.”

Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is necessarily a weakness.”

Old Man : “I really don’t give a shit what you think.”

[davsel]

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 19, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:

· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?

· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

· Could we run away?

· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

· What does the law say about this situation?

· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

· Should I call 9-1-1?

· We need to raise taxes.

· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

· This is all so confusing!



Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG!



Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG!

Daughter: 'Nice group, Daddy!'
'Were those Gold Dots or the new Hornady's?!'

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that thing to the taxidermist!

[Zundfolge]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It’s shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.’ (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’

‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’

‘No problem,’ he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.
I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes!

[OtterbatHellcat]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Zundfolge]

A well-known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a kippa, tzitzis, and payos.

He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says ‘Thank You’ in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.

This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.”

So the guy asks the barman, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. Is he nuts?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns this place.”

[GilpinGuy]

A pathological liar, an illegal alien, a lawyer, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar.

Bartender walks over and says, "What will you have Mr. President"?

[buffalobo]

A pathological liar, an illegal alien, a lawyer, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar.

Bartender walks over and says, "What will you have Mr. President"?

Kind of insulting to lawyers and pathological liars.