4.2....at bestQuote:
Originally Posted by encorehunter
7.1....firmQuote:
Originally Posted by soldier-of-the-apocalypse
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4.2....at bestQuote:
Originally Posted by encorehunter
7.1....firmQuote:
Originally Posted by soldier-of-the-apocalypse
She might have been packin a little extra..... In her pantsQuote:
Originally Posted by soldier-of-the-apocalypse
Firm.Quote:
Originally Posted by budda
Do not get offended, it's only a joke- NOTICE: Ladies, I would never condone this behavior, but for the sake of the joke it did make me laugh!
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
I will be TELLING this to my wife when I get home tonight but not acting it out!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronin13
Washinton DC.
Congress.
President Obama.
Liberals.
"Honest & Open" discussion before the liberal house, senate & governor vote on gun bans in Colorado.
Shall I continue......
Two childhood friends part ways after high school graduation. One goes to Wyoming and becomes a rancher. The other goes to San Fransisco and becomes an interior decorator.
Years go by without the two having any contact then one day the guy from San Fransisco calls his farmer friend and tells him he is coming to Wyoming for a visit.
The two friends spend the day talking about old times and hanging out on the ranch having a great time. As they are walking along a fence line they come across a sheep with his head stuck it the fence.
"Woo doggie! Watch this..." Said the guy from Wyoming who proceeded to pull down his pants and service the sheep.
When he had finished, he looked at his friend from California and said "it's your turn now."
With a gleam in his eye, the interior decorator ran over to the fence, dropped his pants, bent over and stuck his head in the fence and said "go ahead."
Quote:
Originally Posted by ray1970
I like mine better
:D
Come on... Everyone knows a politician gives the screwing and doesn't take the screwing. [fail]Quote:
Originally Posted by Byte Stryke
An old timer was working on his ranch in Nebraska one day when he collapses from an apparent heart attack. His wife drives him the 30 miles or so to the nearest hospital.
After some time, the doctor comes out to the waiting area with a long face and walks up to the old timers wife.
"Your husband suffered a serious heart attack. He's still alive, but I'm afraid he is brain dead and will not recover", said the doctor.
The wife bursts into tears. The doctor says "I'm sorry for your loss madam."
The wife says, "Thank you. It's just....we never had a liberal in the family before!"
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Two guys were sitting at the bar one night, drinking heavily.
The older guy says to the younger guy, "Let me tell you something...I been screwing your mamma for years."
The younger guy says, "Shut the fuck up, you're drunk dad."
I went to Washington state over spring break. While I was there my brother and I went to this zoo. There was only one animal in the whole zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu..............
At first I was like [Dunno]Quote:
Originally Posted by Scanker19
Then I was like [facepalm] Hahaha!
I was at the pub yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan. I asked him how it was going, and if he was making any more movies. He told me,"me no longer make movies, me have severe arthritis, both shoulders and not swing from vine to tree".
I asked how Jane was doing? He told me,"Jane in bad shape, in nursing home, has Alzheimer's and not recognizes anyone". How sad!
I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy, gone big city, get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic; and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something".
I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said, "Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery, now live in White House!!!
when you took your morning leak the joke was in your hand [Coffee]
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
This one is too much... enjoy the laugh!
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Platteville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl."
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Ha Ha Ha ha.
A lady goes to see her "female" doctor one day for a routine check up.
The doc does his thing and says, "Well, ma'am, you're totally healthy. But I have to tell you, that is the biggest snatch I have ever seen!"
Since the lady never actually saw her own "snatch" she was a bit confused.
When she got home she took a mirror off of the wall and put it on the ground so she could stand over it and take a look.
While doing this, her husband walked in the room and exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing?"
She said, "Ohh, umm, I'm trying this new aerobics workout...."
Husband replies, "Fine, just make sure you don't fall into that giant hole in the floor."
There was a bit of confusion at the Ace Hardware this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets,
the cashier said to me, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to our local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was telling me how to run my credit card through the reader!
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Another good reason for large magazines:
A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You're gonna need more ammo!"
A guy at one end of the bar says, "All lawyers are asshoels!!"
The guy at the other end of the bar says, "Sir, I take great offense to that remark."
First guy asks, "Are you a lawyer?"
Second guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole."
I saw this guy sniffing the floor earlier and was intrigued to know why he was doing it.
"Excuse me sir, why are you sniffing the floor?" I asked.
"Fuck off!" He said sharply.
"That's a bit rude" I replied "I only wanted to know why you were sniffing the floor."
About that time is when I was thrown out of the Mosque...
What does Al Pacino call his morning cup of coffee?
Ca-Pacino!
Yuk yuk yuk!
It isbecoming a very scary world out there.AnotherFamous American converts to Islam...
It wasannounced today that Buckwheat of“Our Gang” (1950s) fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his nameto: Kareem of Wheat...
I justhope he doesn't become a cereal killer!
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But, it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
^ lol
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:
' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!
2 fishermen were walking along the road going to there favorite spot. A funeral precession and limos goes by. One of the fishermen takes his hat off and bows his head until all the cars pass. His buddy says that was very honorable why. The guy reply's, "Well.......... we were married for 30 years!"
What does a girl from Arkansas say after having sex?
Get off me Dad your crushing my smokes.
Why can't the little Greek boy run away from home?
He can't bear to leave his brother's behind.
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, But I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
... The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said. "Back at the Convent, we call it Catholic shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of large pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer..
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house."
A man had to choose one of his three girlfriends to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and see how they spent it.
The first one got a makeover with the money. She told the man, "I spent the money to look prettier for you because I love you so much."
The second one bought new golf clubs and a television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third one invested the money in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
How do you like it here? asks the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says Grandpa.
We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.
Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, Abdullah says with a big smile...
There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning. I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"