Joke of the Day

[Ronin13]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[GilpinGuy]

Two guys were sitting at the bar one night, drinking heavily.
The older guy says to the younger guy, "Let me tell you something...I been screwing your mamma for years."
The younger guy says, "Shut the fuck up, you're drunk dad."

[Scanker19]

I went to Washington state over spring break. While I was there my brother and I went to this zoo. There was only one animal in the whole zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu..............

[GilpinGuy]

I went to Washington state over spring break. While I was there my brother and I went to this zoo. There was only one animal in the whole zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu..............

At first I was like
Then I was like Hahaha!

[JohnTRourke]

I was at the pub yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan. I asked him how it was going, and if he was making any more movies. He told me,"me no longer make movies, me have severe arthritis, both shoulders and not swing from vine to tree".

I asked how Jane was doing? He told me,"Jane in bad shape, in nursing home, has Alzheimer's and not recognizes anyone". How sad!

I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy, gone big city, get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic; and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something".

I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said, "Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery, now live in White House!!!

[alxone]

when you took your morning leak the joke was in your hand

[JohnTRourke]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Ronin13]

This one is too much... enjoy the laugh!
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!

[encorehunter]

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Platteville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl."
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

[Madusa]

Ha Ha Ha ha.