Joke of the Day

[theGinsue]

A single mom is at wits end with her two young boys as nearly every word out of their mouths is a cuss word. The mother hears of a therapist in town that has had great success in correcting bad behavior in children so she takes the boys to see him.

The therapist speaks with both of the boys then excuses them and calls in the mother. The therapist tells the mother that the boys are so far gone that only the most extreme measures will correct their behavior. He goes on to tell the mother that, the next time either of the boys utters a curse word, she must beat the child. The mother, shocked at this recommendation, tells the therapist that she doesn't think she can do what he suggests. The therapist apologizes and tells the mother that, in his professional opinion, this is the only solution to her problem. The mother takes the children and goes home.

A morning a few days later, after the boys seem to have gotten worse, they come down for breakfast. The mother asks them what they want to eat and one of the boys says "Just give me some of those f*ck'in Cheerios". In total frustration, the mother relents to the therapists suggestion and just wails on the child until he's laying in a ball on the kitchen floor. She then looks at the other boy and asks him, "What do YOU want for breakfast?" The boy, looking at his brother on the floor crying, responds "I don't know, but I don't want any of those f*ck'in Cheerios".

[theGinsue]

A well-to-do looking gentleman walks into a bar and takes the remaining seat at the bar, right between two beautiful ladies. He asks the bartender if he carries good scotch to which the bartender replies that they have some of the finest scotch available. The man then asks the bartender to bring him a glass of their finest scotch.

The bartender, feeling that this man is only trying to impress the two lovely ladies sitting next to him, brings the man a glass of his cheaper "well liquor". The man takes a sip, makes a disgusted face and tells the bartender "I asked you for your best scotch and you gave me a glass of Jamesons - and it's not even scotch. Either you bring me a glass of good scotch or I'll find another establishment."

The bartender, thinking that maybe this man actually knows something about good scotch, apologizes and tells the man to hold on a moment while he retrieves a bottle of good scotch from his liquor cellar. The bartender returns a minute later and pours the man a drink from this new bottle. The gentleman takes a sip, smiles, and says "Ah, that's better! "The Last Drop" from 1971; 45 years old. The bartender looks at the bottle he's still holding and finds that the man is 100% correct.

Wanting to see how good this man is, the bartender asks him if he'd like to try some other scotchs to which the gentleman agrees. The bartender returns to his liquor cellar and comes back with a dozen more bottles. The bartender pours the man a shot from one of these bottles, the man takes a sip and says, "Hmm, Jura, single malt, bottled in 1998 - ten years old." The bartender looks at the new bottle and is amazed that the man is once again correct.

By now a crowd starts to form around the gentleman as the bartender continues providing the gentleman with one scotch after another to which he continues to accurately identify the drink. By the 12th bottle, an old drunk pushes his way up to the bar and passes the gentleman a glass of liquid. The gentleman takes a sip and immediately spits it out. He quickly says "That tastes like piss". The old drunk looks at the gentleman, smiles and says "Right! Now tell me how old I am."

[BladesNBarrels]

The police officer got out of his car, and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.

The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

[ChickNorris]

Thats pretty much how it went when it's happened to me & more than once too. Hehehe

[GilpinGuy]

I got stopped on a motorcycle once by a cop on a motorcycle. He was on a Kawasaki or something. When he walked up to me I pointed at his bike and said, "Man, you guys ought to be on Harleys...that's unacceptable." He laughed and he let me go after a little chit chat. Humor works wonders sometimes.

[BladesNBarrels]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[GilpinGuy]

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!

Talk about huge breasts!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It’s cool whip time!

If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

I’m in the mood for dark meat.

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.

Don’t play with your meat.

Just spread your legs and stuff it in.

Do you think you’ll be able to handle all of these people at once?

I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

How long do I have to beat it before it’s ready?

Happy Thanksgiving

[ChickNorris]

The north pole is a euphemism

[ChickNorris]

What do you call Santa's helpers?


Subordinate Clauses

[ChickNorris]

What does a xmas tree & a priest have in common?


Ornamental balls