A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his sister. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my sister after only five beers!"
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
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I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
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What's the difference between an illegal and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!