Today's funny

[wyome]

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth
than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the
same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.

7. The last words of anyone in your family were, "Hey
y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling
fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled
Banner are, "Gentlemen, .... start your engines!"

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down,
depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the
fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to
get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your
wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers, "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend
hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is
Walmart.

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your
non-working T.V.

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.

25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet
table.

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in
front of the K-Mart.

27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because
a cop always brings you home.

28.. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does
$100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back
scratcher.

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it
hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had
jury duty.

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
mph.

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in
your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

34. Your truck's gas cap is an old t-shirt.

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny.

[MattR]

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sight seeing n
Mexico **

*While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" *

* *

*The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!" *

*The Texan said, "What the heck, bring me an order." *

*The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." *

* *

*The next morning, the Texas returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday." *

* *

*The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins.*

[4gunfun]

Now that was funny!!!!!

[Fentonite]

Threw up a little from that one

[TriggerHappy]

How much coke can Charlie Sheen do??


















..enough to kill 2 1/2 men..

[DSB OUTDOORS]

A cowboy goes into a store and says I'll take a 3 pack of condoms!!
The gal behind the counter say's would you like a paper bag??

The cowboy replies..


Na she aint that ugly!!!

[4Lo]

Lol... that's a good one.

[Ronin13]

True story just happened today at the office. I saw an ad for The Sopranos boxed DVD set for $600 (and thought that was ridiculous considering I got the same set in Afghanistan for $60).. went over to my dad and inquired about his interest in the now gone HBO hit. The conversation went like this:
Me: Dad, did you ever get into the Sopranos?
Dad: I don't know, but I did an Alto once...

Laughter and me shaking his hand followed.

[mcantar18c]

If a man is talking in the forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

[ChunkyMonkey]

Who wants to bitch slap this guy!